EVERY BREATH YOU TAKE -PART SEVEN-
by Starskylicious
Summary: A story of silence, hurt, love and redemption with a glimpse of hope and a promise of a future.


**ACT 36 –RESURRECTED-**

"Oh, God. Oh, my God! No, noo! Please! Starsky, please no!" Dobey was utterly distraught; he couldn't help but repeat, "Oh, My God, Oh, my God! I've been late, too late. Oh! I'm stupid I've been this late… Oh no! Starsky, son. I'm sorry. Oh, my dear!"

Dobey started feeling bereaved.

Simmons crouched beside Hutch, who was just crying.

Dobey felt the rise of the bile in his throat and swallowed hard. The pain that he felt wounded him like a knife to his heart, and he closed his eyes. He was breathless, and he almost collapsed when he was confronted with Starsky's body image.

The pale flesh of his friend stood out from the rusty and moldy dirt.

Starsky was sprawled at a horrid angle; the way he was lying inert on the metal surface was poignant and impossible to look at. The reflector's light made it all even more terrifying; the daffodils and the template anticipated to him all the cruelty that his friend had passed through earlier. Dobey knew. He had seen it many times before, though not like this.

It looked worse with Starsky over there.

His Officer was lying with his torso raised and his legs spread from side to side. His arms were fallen, his head dangled backward, and with the horrific knife that protruded from his chest and was still stemming the blood loss.

"_At least he hadn't bled from that wound,"_ Dobey thought.

However, a black pool of blood was on the floor under the surface he was laid on, and a trail of blood was oozing from his open mouth. There were other wounds, "_but how many? Like the other ones? Nobody survived Parry… Why should Starsky do?"_ The frightened man thought. Besides, he wasn't moving as if he wasn't breathing at all. Dobey couldn't see the average rise of the chest, either. He was still. The Paramedics started their constant and fast movements.

"_What are they trying to do?"_ Dobey thought. "_He is dead."_

Starsky was dead, Dobey was sure about it. Nobody could think in any other way. He went to where the Paramedics were working; and looked at their frantic movements.

"He's still alive? How is he? Is he going to be okay," he asked timidly, anyway.

The two men raised their vacuous eyes to him.

They didn't say anything.

There was nothing to say.

Dobey shook his head. He felt like a failure. He thought he had lost Starsky. However, he still had Hutch, and he should take care of him; he approached the taller man still embraced in Simmons's arms and crouched beside him. Until that moment, the blond-haired man hadn't said anything… He'd only cried.

"Hutch?"

The detective raised his eyes to the vision of his Captain and hugged him fiercely. "He killed him, Captain; I saw everything. He killed him. He stabbed him. He tortured him for a full day, and then he killed him. He's dead, he's dead!" Hutch felt devastated and scared but, above all, utterly defeated.

"Calm down Hutch, take it easy, son!" Dobey took Hutch's head in his hands, forcing him not to look at the side of the basement where his friend was still being treated, "Son, you don't look in that direction. You don't wanna see that."

'_That'_... was Starsky's body that neither Dobey wanted to see.

Dobey had not the nerve to witness what was happening with his dear Officer and the Paramedics, who were still there working in the other part of the hellish room, where everything had taken place. He rather helped Hutch, to cope, if that was possible. He felt that at least that was what he had to do; in that way, he would be more useful.

"He's still alive, Hutch, you let the paramedics work... See? They're still working on him, you know Starsky's tough."

Hutch was still sat in the same chair he'd been sitting down during the whole drama. He was paralyzed, both his arms with his palms up were immobile over his thighs. The effects of the drugs and the sustained blood loss from the gunshot wound had made him weak. Added that to his poor emotional state, he couldn't move, and though Dobey didn't believe in his own words, he kept on saying them. "You'll see Hutch, he'll be all right. You'll see, we have to maintain the faith, okay? The paramedics are helping him, you'll see." "_This is Bullshit!"_ Dobey thought. "_If Starsky wasn't dead yet, he was gonna die. Nobody had survived Parry. Starsky wouldn't"_. He was sure, but yet, he repeated the words as in a chanting since he still could hear the paramedics working frantically over his officer's overly motionless body. He thought that they were like trying something. "The paramedics are still working on him, Hutch" he repeated the absurd statement, nonsensically. "_Maybe he can survive. What if...?"_ The Captain thought.

"No, Cap, there's nothing they can do! Parry killed him; I saw him. He stabbed him twice." Hutch was on the verge of breaking. He was shouting and cursing, "He! He is a son of a bitch, I'm gonna kill him, Cap, I'm going to…"

"Calm down, Hutch! You have to keep hope. There's still something they can do, see? I mean. What if? Starsky's tough, damn it!" Dobey said more to himself than to anyone else. To convince himself.

Though hard to believe, the doctors were still working over his Officer's body. "_What if?"_ He thought again.

"No, Captain, he isn't tough. He ain't anymore, you don't know what's happening. The reason he's gone, and the reason he left me". Suddenly Hutch regained his force and senses. He took Dobey by his arms, clung to him forcefully and looked straight at his Captain into his big brown eyes, which were full of tears just like his. "Starsky's sick, Captain. He's sick, Cap, very ill and he's dying. Oh! For Christ's sake!" Hutch stared at him, confused, and Dobey tried to comfort him.

He realized that Hutch wanted to tell him something, that finally, he had found out the truth, all the truth, so he waited. The Captain didn't know what to expect. If Hutch could hate Starsky because of what he had done, or if he was aware that he knew it and could hate him as well.

"Starsky is sick, Captain," he held Dobey from his arms and looked straight into his dark eyes again. His gaze was of utter pain, the big man could tell that he didn't hold a grudge against him. Hutch's eyes weren't angry.

They were just sad.

The Captain assumed that Hutch didn't know yet that he already knew the truth about Starsky. "It's okay, Hutch," he repeated.

"No! It's not okay. That's why he left me in the first place," Hutch continued, "He's not gonna pull through this, this time, not this time. He just hasn't enough strength." Hutch made a long pause and started sobbing again while Dobey's eyes were full of tears too. The only sounds they could hear were the Paramedic's frantic shouts and the static from the radio that communicated them to Memorial until the moment that the blond talked again. "He has cancer, Captain, and he's gonna die. My buddy's gonna die. He just won't make it this time." He raised his eyes to the ceiling and then looked at his Captain, "Help me, Cap. Now I know that this is for real, that I'm gonna lose him forever." And he hugged Dobey with all his strength.

"We'll take care, Hutch, we'll take care of everything. Calm down, son, calm down. Everything will be all right." the Captain embraced his detective. His dear friend, in fact, in return, trying to comfort the utterly troubled man to no avail. After a few minutes, he heard that Hutch had stopped sobbing, so he let go of him and realized the blond detective had passed out.

On the background, he could still hear the frantic voices of the paramedics.

They had already performed rescue breathing over Starsky once, and they had got him back, and now the taller paramedic was talking to Memorial's Dispatch anxiously.

They needed answers, and they needed them soon.

********************S&H***********************

"They found them," Ryan told Sam and Caroline when he entered Dobey's office. Meredith had just made the phone call at the Precinct when everything was over. Caroline was rapt by the news, she couldn't talk, but her eyes did, so Ryan answered her silent question. "He's alive."

She threw her head back and started crying endlessly and released the bottled up tension. She hugged Sam. "Oh. Dave, Dave, my love…" She said, moved.

Ryan added. "They were taking him to Memorial, now."

She felt her heart beating like a drum. She had fear and hope and everything else in between. The sound that her heartbeats made filled the small office. Her ears were blocked.

She felt like she would collapse, and she did.

However, in her dreaminess, she was happy no matter what, or how he was. They had found Starsky, and he was alive, that's all she could think of. She could tell him, and he would know that she had his heart in her, that their baby's heart was going to beat for him and bleed for him.

She would tell him, soon.

"Caroline, hey! Are you okay, now? Come on, let's go. Let's go to Memorial." Sam said after she recuperated.

It was 1.30 in the morning, 28 August.

********************S&H***********************

"We have a male, 40 years old. Stabbed Victim, with an open abdomen wound that was bleeding copiously and is already dressed; second wound in the chest. The blade's still in place. He's got multiple abrasions and lesions; there are slashes across the back, and his torso is damaged, severely. The left ankle is broken, maybe, and so's his sternum. He's unresponsive, in shock, with shallow and intermittent breathing. We already administered Lactated ringers to prevent blood loss. He's Dave Starsky, one of Murray's patient from Hope. Terminal." Mike, the taller paramedic, ended his radio and asked his bald partner in case he had forgotten something and rose his eyebrows, "Anything else, Tom?"

Tom nodded, and Mike frowned and asked… "Okay, airways?" He said, but the other paramedic was busy at the moment to answer back. Tom was working rhythmically to keep Starsky's breathing in case the wounded man cease to do it on his own. He was bagging him and silently, he was considering the possibility to perform endotracheal intubation, he wasn't sure if they should make it or not. Both paramedics were wondering what to do while their silent communication unfolded magically in front of everybody. The man with the radio nodded.

"Okay!"

They had agreed to do it. Finally, Tom realized that there was no way out, and he got the so needed confirmation. "Let's do it now!" the bald one said to Mike.

"Memorial?" Mike stated in a hurry "We're asking permission to intubate."

The decision had been made.

"Granted! Okay, clear the airways. Do it neatly!" The voice from dispatch came almost dictatorially. When they were busy, putting the laryngoscope and inserting a tube into the trachea a crackle of static came again, and the tall one, keyed the radio, one more time. Dispatch's request took them out of their task. "Status? Give me Stats!" the voice sounded commanding, professional and qualified.

"He's hypotensive. Has a low respiratory rate, narrow pulse pressure, ventricular fibrillation 220 bpm… Oh, damn! Shit! He's pulseless and unresponsive. We've lost him!" now the paramedic sounded desperate "Oh man, shit!"

For a few seconds, they got distracted from Starsky's vitals, and it proved to be fatal.

"ALS, Start defibrillation. Give high-energy 360J. Now! Plus procainamide" The husky voice said in sense and harsh way.

"_Come on, Starsky, you have to pull through this, you'd gone this far. You have to know that you're gonna have a baby, son, come on!"_ Dobey urged him to get back. The Captain was silently witnessing the drama. The way Starsky was leaving them for the second time while letting the other group of paramedics take care of Hutch.

He couldn't help but witness the loss again.

One, three, thousandths of seconds, minutes, hours. Who knows for how long? And yes!

"We've got him back."

"_Good, good… Thank goodness!"_ Dobey thought, relieved.

They were all paralyzed, just like Dobey. Meredith had already collapsed, and she was also being treated. Babcock, Simmons, Todesco and the other ones, they all felt useless and unskillful, just watching and waiting. They were all listening intently to the succession of orders and medical jargon.

"GCS Scale, come" the voice came again.

"E1, V1, M1, GCS score 3. Now we stabilized him."

"Chest tube already located in place?"

Gesturing wildly, Mike asked Tom with the eyes and his partner raised the eyebrows and gave one nod.

"Yes. Chest tube already in place, Memorial" the taller one said to dispatch.

"Copied, ALS. Use FAST to exclude hemopericardium. Now."

"Okay. Set OR for immediate laparotomy and advice to start a massive transfusion protocol for massive trauma resuscitation. He's hemorrhagic, and got a tension hemothorax."

"Ok! Vitals better? Or still not viable?"

"We still have him, but we have to move. Fast." The third set of paramedics speeded up with the stretcher. "Come on, Dickson!" Mike said frantically. "Hurry up, there's a gap between his systolic and diastolic pressure, and he can't keep circulation. He's bleeding out!" Tom was busy making yet again another cardiac massage and shouted frantically.

They moved Starsky, briskly.

"Oh Damn! Fibrillation again! We're gonna lose him."

"Transport. Priority One! We need him here and now!" Memorial came out of the static.

They clutched Starsky to the narrow stretcher, they carried him up the ladder of the basement and left The Lido immediately.

The second Paramedic's team remained in place assessing Hutch's condition.

He was unconscious and in shock, too... though his, was a very different kind of shock.

********************S&H***********************

They arrived at Memorial at ten to two.

Murray and Goodman were already there. Goodman was the physician in charge that night, hopefully. He was the one who received Starsky's ravaged body.

"_I never thought that this could happen to me again,"_ Bob thought.

Once again.

They had done all that they had to do to save him. Goodman had done it once again, like that other time. Since Caroline was in no condition, Sam stayed with her. She insisted that she would enter the trauma unit. She insisted that she could do it because she was a doctor, but was forcefully rejected to get into the ICU, repeatedly. Her access denied. Hence, she stayed with Sam, Dobey and Huggy and the others in the place reserved for the patients' families solely. That was who she was, no doctor anymore.

They waited knowing nothing.

No doctor came, nobody said anything. Only they heard the heavy respirations and hurried footsteps; people who opened and closed the trauma's room door, repeatedly.

Doctors and nurses came and went. Bloodstains on their scrubs disheveled and silently engrossed in their work, they couldn't pay attention to the family.

During ten, long and endless hours.

Six hundred painful and horrible minutes.

It had been like that, and they were like that. Motionless and in massive devastation and pain during ten long hours.

********************S&H***********************

He awoke centuries later. He felt that his life had passed since he was already lost. How long since he had lost Starsky? He already missed him. He hated that he remembered everything. Therefore, he didn't dare to ask. "_Damned!"_ Hutch thought, "_I should have died as well."_

How many times had he woken before in a Hospital room wondering what had happened, what he was doing there, even who he was? This time he remembered everything, every single damn detail. Every punch, every cut. Starsky's mangled body lying limply over the rusty surface, and dead.

He knew damn well; it was not possible for him to have survived, that's why he remembered. Starsky was dead.

And it was very hard to forget.

He opened his light blue eyes. The Hospital's room was a shade of light blue, too. That fact made him realize that he wasn't in the ICU. The ICU walls were white, icy white. He remembered pretty well those damn walls, and he wasn't there, didn't recognize them, so he figured he wasn't in danger either.

"_Damned, me!"_ He thought.

He was okay and alive, and what for? Dobey, Huggy, nobody was beside him. He was alone, and that's the way he will always be. Something terrible had happened somewhere. He could feel it. Something worse than the state he was in, that's why someone needed his friends somewhere else. That's why nobody was by his bedside.

"_Where are they? I'm cold and alone", _He thought.

He would be alone and cold until the end of times.

Starsky was dead.

He couldn't have made it, he couldn't have survived. "_What do I have to live my life for, now? For whom do I have to live my life?"_ Hutch thought. Suddenly, he perceived a jelly form in front of his eyes.

"Welcome back, Sergeant Hutchinson."

It wasn't Starsky.

He nodded.

The nurse's voice was kind and welcoming.

But he didn't feel like being welcomed.

"How do you feel?" she insisted.

He nodded, and a tear came down his cheek.

The nurse smiled, satisfied.

He couldn't say a word. Unfortunately, he was okay. He felt pretty damn good, and healthy, and active, alert and focused but why? "_What for?"_

He didn't want to feel okay or invigorated; rather he wanted to be dead. The nurse shook her head; she knew very well about both partners and their legendary bond. "Okay, I'm going to call Captain Dobey, he told me that when you wake up, I should call him, right?"

He would wait.

Fifteen minutes later, the Captain entered Hutch's room.

Hutch was awake, staring at the light blue wall in front of him.

"Hutch, son," the Captain said nervously. When the blond didn't turn his head toward his captain, Dobey realized which words could be the only ones that his Officer was expecting to hear. "Hutch, son. Look at me, Starsky's alive. He's in ICU. We still don't know anything, yet. I mean we don't know how he is but, he's alive." He said in a low and mournful tone.

Hutch cried out.

He cried out, until Dobey came back later, in the afternoon, to tell him what the doctors had told them about Starsky's condition and what was going on. And then he shouted, after talking with Dobey about Starsky's cancer; cried when he realized what had happened during the last two months. Hutch was not angry and didn't cry of rage, he wasn't mad toward those who had lied to him either, let alone with Starsky. He wasn't mad at him or with whom had concealed him all, he was sad and in grief.

He was very weak to be angry, and he only cried of sadness. He felt very sorry, and he cried.

He spent 10 hours crying.

********************S&H***********************

"Caroline, dear" she rushed to the doctor.

When Bob Goodman got out of the ICU, he couldn't go beyond the nurse's station because Caroline stopped him. Everybody could say that she almost rammed him. She got up from the chair unexpectedly while seeing Robert Goodman leaving the ER after ten hours of waiting, and she pounced on his arms. Sam and Huggy had been waiting in the waiting room too for the physicians to come and to have a word about Starsky's condition.

They were all anxious.

"Tell me, Robert, please…." It was a statement, not a question. She didn't dare to ask anything else.

"Listen, Caroline, it's touch and go yet, but well… we presume that he'll make a turn for the better, okay?"

Goodman was a kind man; he wouldn't drop the bad news in any other way than this and Caroline knew it.

"Tell me the truth, Bob," she insisted desperately.

"He's telling you the truth," Murray said and added. "His general condition, despite his cancer diagnosis, helped his prognosis. I mean he was so full of drugs…"

Goodman grimaced in wonder. He nodded and completed assessing the situation, "That's right. Somehow those medications helped him cope with the slaughter."

"Could be?" Sam asked astonished.

"And what about the stabbings wounds? How, where are they?" Caroline was determined to find out the real state of things.

Goodman smiled satisfied. "Well, the chest wound isn't life threatening, miraculously. And the Paramedics did an exceptional job with the other one in his abdomen. Besides, don't forget that he was found pretty quickly, and he has been taken care even quicker."

"So the news is good!" Sam, hurriedly said.

Goodman had mixed feelings. Sometimes he thought that Starsky would survive and sometimes he felt that he couldn't, wouldn't do it. That it was almost impossible for him to make it through the day.

Caroline stayed aloof, measuring the doctor's words. She didn't want to raise her expectations too high, neither lose them. Huggy couldn't utter any other sound, but his poignant laments. Dobey wasn't there, still at Hutch's room on the second floor.

The silence was unbearable since there were so many questions to ask, so Sam decided to break it again. He decided it should be his task to cheer things up a little.

"So you believe that he's gonna make it?" he said, optimistically. He was anxious and incredibly surprised.

"Well, we can't tell that for now. Unfortunately, I don't think that...," Goodman regretted immediately, "I mean, he's still very grave," the doctor clarified brusquely, he couldn't help feeling hesitant, "we have to wait."

"But you just said that you were expecting a turn for the better!" Caroline burst into tears; she started crying after saying this. She was facing her demons, and Huggy hugged her. Sam was disconsolate too.

The doctor stayed silent.

In fact, Goodman didn't believe that this time Starsky would be able to survive. He ranged between one possibility and another, as well as his patient's heartbeat, hesitated from beating or stop doing it. He was dejected, and the way in which he said the words made all of them hold back their breaths, especially taking into account the fact that he usually was an upbeat and positive man. Murray realized the impact that his colleague's words had had with his friends and on his behalf, added. "Well, he's very ill, that's correct. Bob here, he's emotionally involved." He looked at Goodman, who was closing his eyes and nodding. "He's a bit nervous too. You know what David means to him, so I'll try to make things clearer" he sighed. "Yes, we expect that he can be able to overcome this situation." He waited for some time to his words sank in the silent mourners. "It's true that we needed more than twenty units of blood, and that's a lot of blood. That we had to give him extra packed red blood cells; fresh frozen plasma and platelets too, instead of whole blood. And yes, maybe no one can get sicker than he is now, but we believe that he will make it. Since he has been exposed to chemo his body's ability to lose platelets is alarming indeed, but we've managed it nicely, and we could work it out. Although he's still in a coma, the good news is that when he was brought here, earlier in the dawn, he was at score three, according to the Glasgow Coma Scale. Now, fortunately, we have him at score 9, and that's a pretty good picture, I mean his stats are increasingly better. He improved his eye-opening, pupil size, equality, and reactivity to light. Still, there are no verbal and motor responses, of course, but it is too soon, and we have to wait. So although we don't have to raise our hopes, we shouldn't put them on the ground either. I mean we should be neither pessimistic nor optimistic."

Dobey had just arrived at Murray's last words. Seeing the group gathered around the doctors, he felt concerned. He thought that the Doctors were telling them the inevitable, the looks on their faces spoke volumes about Starsky's condition.

"How is he?" the Captain asked Sam, fearful.

"He's alive. Still not out of it, but he is alive."

"Oh, I can't believe Starsky!" he sighed feeling satisfied and thrilled, "I thought…" Dobey was hugely relieved, and he shook his head no, "God, he is this strong, after everything that he's been through. Besides cancer. Atta boy!" he felt extremely wishful and even proud of his fellow officer, he even smiled.

"It isn't how it looks, Harold." Goodman, who was listening to him, took Dobey from his arm and with one gesture took him away from Murray's conversation. And away from Caroline too. He looked seemingly uncomfortable and even worried about the Police Captain's reaction. He had earned a long lasting friendship with Harold Dobey through the years, and he knew what his men -and Starsky and Hutch, mainly- meant to him.

He wanted him to be prepared, just in case. "I was saying that we don't have to raise our hopes too high, Harold; that there are still severe complications that could happen due to infections especially. We can't deny this."

"I don't deny anything, Bob. It's just that, the way it looked like I think that it's a miracle that he's still alive. This man can pull miracles every step of his way, actually" He looked at Caroline, "and you know better than me, damn well, what I mean." Caroline was crying apart and intensely emotional, and so was Goodman, the Captain's words had a special meaning to him.

"I'm sorry, Harold. You know how much I like Starsky too, but you should be well aware that there are lots of risks yet. You must know, that blades are never sterile, that they can carry bacteria into the wound itself and that it would prove fatal in his case. In fact, you must know that he has a substantial chance of developing sepsis."

"Sepsis? Why?"

"Well, first of all, the paramedics had to perform endotracheal intubation at the site of the accident, and now, he's still on a ventilator. That worsens the whole scenario. Those invasive procedures usually involve a greater risk of bacteria entering the bloodstream and an extremely high risk that could lead to a septic shock. So he's not out of the woods, Harold, and we have a hell of a lot of waiting to do yet. Please, I need you to fully understand this." Goodman said depressed and worried.

"Maybe you're right, Robert, and he's not out of the woods yet… yes, but the same I was told four years ago, and he survived. Let me think that he'll be able to do it, again." Dobey nodded sadly. The Captain lost his sight through the window, thinking.

Regardless of all that it had been said, Dobey thought better of it; he hadn't lived fifty-something years in vain. He could tell where miracles still dwelt, and Starsky was one of them. They were all witnessing a miracle, so he wanted to share his feelings, and he regained his position and said, "Despite all that you're saying Bob, I want you to know that I'm still living in awed admiration and feeling grateful that he's alive. To God, who spared him and to the science, and you, who helped him again. I'm so very thankful. I'm thankful that Caroline here will be able to talk to him and tell him that she has their baby in her womb. And I know that he will listen…; that Hutch will be able to tell him how much he cares, how much he needs him and even say goodbye if necessary, but knowing everything. Grateful, which the lie has ended. I'm happy and relieved that Sam and Huggy here, and me, even you, and everybody else, will have the chance to tell him how much we love him and what he means to all of us." He made a long pause; they were both on the verge of crying. His words were so heartfelt that the doctor broke. "When I entered that basement, Bob and saw him like that… I thought that he was already dead and that I'd been already too late so - so everything you're telling me sounds fantastic".

Dobey was right, they should be all grateful.

Starsky was alive.

Cancer, the drugs, the overdose, the flagellation, the stabbing, nothing. Nothing had been able to take him out of their lives yet, and he was struggling and fighting to stay, and he was going to stay, now the Captain was sure.

Caroline finished crying.

She also understood.

Everybody understood.

"I need to see him," she said.

"We know, but wait until we take him to his booth in ICU, okay? We'll see to it as soon as possible, Carol." Murray said kindly.

And she waited.

********************S&H***********************

"Hutch." The blond man didn't flinch. He didn't focus on the slender man who was in front of him. "Come on, compadre! Don't do this to me. Hutch, hey! You still angry with the Bear?"

No reaction.

Huggy was destroyed, he felt like he was falling into pieces. Starsky was still in a coma, and they didn't know if he was going to regain his faculties and be the man he used to be and Hutch… Hutch was just another different thing around. He was conscious and consciously had chosen not to talk to Huggy, Dobey or Sam. Any of the three men signified treason and lies to him.

"Blondie, I know that I deserve your anger, but I'm sorry. I've told you a thousand times that I'm sorry! I don't know what else to say." Huggy stood; he went to the window in Hutch's Hospital room. He started sobbing bitter cries. It was that way for almost an hour until suddenly the door opened, and Sam got in.

"Hello."

Huggy turned around from the window at the moment he heard Sam's voice.

Nothing, no change. Hutch was still sat on his bed, with his glance lost.

"Hutch, please, you gotta listen. I'm afraid we don't have much time left to lose" Sam said dejectedly. Huggy and the doctor entwined their eyes, knowingly. It had been almost one week since the nearly fatal day and nothing.

It seemed like Hutch was enclosed in his reality; in a reality where there was space for silence and resentment only.

"Something's wrong, Sam?" Huggy got scared at the mere mention of the lack of time. Sam had a worried expression that the thin man couldn't grasp, so he insisted. "Something's wrong with Starsky?".

Hutch responded to their conversation. The question about Starsky's health condition distracted him from his deliberate and planned indifference, and Huggy and Sam noticed. Though the blond-haired man stayed speechless, they also saw a reaction. Huggy hadn't done it on purpose, but it did work. They nodded in recognition.

"No, nothing so far," Sam continued talking to Huggy as if Hutch wasn't there. He tried to keep the conversation casual, and Huggy followed.

"Oh, thanks, God! That's a relief, for a moment I thought, I mean since it is touch and go yet."

"Certainly, but no. He isn't worse," Sam sighed a sad sigh. "He isn't better either. There's just no change."

They both grimaced.

They didn't want to play with Hutch's feelings. They only wanted to ask for his forgiveness and explain to him what had happened. They only wanted to prompt Hutch, force him to make a decision, whatever decision he could make. They couldn't stand anymore the apathy and contempt.

Every day since that day, they had visited Hutch in his room.

They had talked to him and explained him the reasons why they had acted the way they did, but so far, the only people that the blond man had decided to talk to was to the Hospital's Personnel. When he began getting better and more focused, he asked the nurses about Starsky's state all the time, about how he was doing. He worried.

But he never asked his friends about him. In fact, he never talked to them or said a word. However, they decided that they would never give up; not until Hutch decided to fire them from his room and his life too, actually.

"Hutch, Sam and me and Dobey, we just want to apologize. We've been stupid and selfish. We thought that by hiding the truth from you, that it would just make cancer disappear indeed. Starsky was so broken at first. He thought that he would destroy you if he said what was going on with him. I know that it has been silly, but then, there was no way to stop him, you know Curly. He loves you, Hutch. We all love you." Huggy said all of a sudden.

"And now, we're sure that he needs you. He needs you to get back. Starsky needs you, Hutch. Just like the other times, you helped him doing it. We are sure that he's waiting for you. We…"

"You?" Hutch interrupted Sam's last statement, and Huggy and the doctor froze at his deep voice. "Shut up, Sam. You, he, we, they… You name it! Beautiful pronouns, aren't they? But what about me? What about my feelings? Now you come here, sweet talking and trying to convince me, insinuating that my absence is the reason my friend doesn't return to life. And what about before? Why have you discarded me before? I wasn't useful before because he has cancer? Because I can't fight cancer, you assume that I can't fight for him? How can you dare to suggest that if I don't go and sit with him and forgive you, his life will turn off? How can you have the nerve to do that?" Hutch smiled bitterly. "You guys need to know something, right now. You screwed up, big time. What is done is done. If Starsky dies, it won't be my fault, it will be all yours. I thought we were friends." and he said finally to Huggy, "I believed that you were my pal, my crony Huggy, that I could trust you and Dobey..."

"I am Hutch. I'm Starsky's friend, too."

It had been Huggy's - and everybody else's dilemma. Starsky and Hutch, both of them, separately, were his friends. There was no doubt about it. The problem was that Starsky and Hutch were one and the same. That they shouldn't be separated, in any way.

Now Hutch sounded completely deranged. It had been a week since he had been bottling up the nasty sensations and took umbrage toward the world. Those feelings of desolation, grief, fear, and hopelessness had conquered him at such extent that he couldn't move. He was paralyzed, barely existing and full of resentment and distrust in everyone and everything.

One week in which he had had to come to terms with what had happened, and what was going on.

And now, he was ready to face them and confront them.

So they were going to listen to him first.

"Are you? I mean, why did you do that to me? Why, Hug? Why did you choose him over me? Because you started chumming around with him in high school? That's not enough reason. What will happen now? If he dies, and we lost our two last months together? Who can bring me back my time with him?"

"I'm sorry Hutch… but you know Curly" Huggy broke and started apologizing again, he felt very guilty.

Sam started explaining again for the umpteenth time. "You know how Starsky is, he conned us into this mad hoax. He was sure that the chemo would work and that he could spare you the sorrow or the uncertainty… Damn! We know we did wrong, what else can we say?"

"Hutch, if I could turn back time, Oh man! I'd do it for you, buddy. I'm sorry, very sorry, it was like a roller coaster. One moment we were up on the chain lift, the other we were down on a dive drop and in between, we were in a corkscrew. It was madness." Huggy shook his head.

"This isn't a matter of kinetics, man. We are not talking about Knott's Berry Farm. This is my life, Starsky's life damn it! Starsky and me. Why did you go and do that to me?" Hutch was flustered.

"I don't know why! The only thing that I have to say is that you know that he could be as stubborn as a mule! Oh, I'm sorry, buddy! I think that he was so scared, he didn't have the nerve to go and tell you. The first time he talked to me..., you should have seen him, Hutch! It was very hard." Huggy was already shouting in despair.

"He needed a little more time to himself to take the courage and be strong for you to tell you! That's a typical response to the illness!" Sam said trying to make him understand.

"You don't know him!" Hutch shook his head to Sam, it was possible that the man didn't know, after all, they had been friends for just one year. "I understand that you can be wrong about him, Sam, whether you were a psychiatrist or were not, it doesn't matter. But Dobey? Huggy here? Why did you carry out his plan? You should have ignored him, you should have left him out. You didn't nurse him!" Hutch got up from the bed for the first time. "Forget about me, for Christ's sake, I'm not talking about me here or my feelings, but Starsky! I'm talking about Starsky! You didn't look after him, didn't take care of him!".

"He asked us to cover him! What do you mean we didn't take care of him?" Huggy said.

"No, no, you didn't take care of him! You didn't realize that he can hardly survive without me?" The words were expelled almost unwittingly by Hutch, but they were true, and their force and meaning were overwhelming.

Hutch knew, and all of them also knew.

He was right.

Without him, Starsky could hardly survive.

"So go and save him, now! Forget about us and your umbrage! He's dying, Hutch, and God is giving you this new chance. Take it!" Dobey said at the doorstep; he was listening to their conversation from the hallway.

More than one week later of the nightmare's day, on September 7; after Huggy and Sam had heard him trying to overcome the psychological impact that the news had caused him. After Hutch came back from his devastating physical and mental state. After long and endless talks with his friends, who tried to mend the wounded soul and heavy heart, he was carrying.

After listening to Captain Dobey's reasons, who was like a father to him, Hutch was stable enough to be discharged, and finally, the doctors allowed him to go and see Starsky, who was still in a coma though breathing on his own.

They had taken him out of the ventilator after the seventh day.

Since the horror, it would be the first time that Hutch would be near his buddy.

It would be the first time he was going to see Caroline too, even the first time he was going to talk to the woman, who had never left Starsky's side.

At last, Hutch had been able to accept his friends' decision. And started trying to accept them and forgive them.

After all.

**ACT 37 \- THE BODY BEAUTIFUL -**

Hutch entered Starsky's room.

Caroline was there, sitting by his right side and holding his right hand.

She smiled at Hutch, peacefully.

They stared at each other in silence, even in recognition.

She felt that Hutch had already accepted her. That everything was okay.

He felt that she accepted him, too. The sentiment reminded him of Terry. He was so excited to know that his friend's baby was growing in her womb that he felt that she was a miracle. Starsky pulled miracles everywhere like Dobey said.

"_He was still alive and fighting!" _Hutch realized.

The certainty, that same circumstance seemed to be imprinted on Caroline's beautiful face.

She knew she had been touched by a miracle.

For Hutch, she looked like an angel who was surrounded by hope. She shone a light that only Starsky could ignite. All around him, all around his friend, everywhere he was, everything was luminous, always, _"and she had his baby!"_ Of all things.

The mechanical machines, the puffs, the audible sounds, the silences and the rhythm of the monitors that had been taking care of Starsky's life, had gone. Like a choir of angels, that overflowed the atmosphere beating silences.

They had gone.

Starsky was breathing on his own.

Fortunately, they had been there; just like Caroline and Hutch, also were there now.

Each one of them was necessary and vital for Starsky to live as an indelible part of him.

They had all understood, finally.

And it worked both ways.

They were required, as much as Starsky was necessary for them.

He meant a lot to all of them.

To Hutch most especially. Starsky was an inextricable part of his being. Starsky had the strange ability to make all things around him look simpler though he was a man full of adorable hues, a man full of lovely intricacies. The brunet was a contradiction, very straightforward and honest but at the same time, mysterious.

Absolute.

The way Starsky dealt with his relationships was transparent too. For his loved ones, he had no secrets. He was love. He loves. Above all and with all his being. He was extreme and daring. Half full, never half empty. Yes. Starsky was transparent as the thin air.

He was fresh and new, like the morning.

He was bright and hot, like the sunshine.

He was puzzling and mysterious, like the night.

He was gullible as an innocent kid.

He was wise as an old man.

That was Starsky, almost everything.

He was so needed.

He will be sorely missed when he's gone.

Yes, Starsky might die. Maybe he was not going to be here shortly, and when that happens, something will be lost forever. An inseparable part of each one of them would be lost forever, and everybody knew it very well.

Hutch and Caroline felt that they had known each other from forever, because of that quality that only Starsky had. They knew each other through him, because of him.

With that certainty, they hugged... as if they were longtime friends. They felt they were, indeed.

********************S&H***********************

"Hello, Hutch! It's so nice for me to meeting you!" She smiled a tiny smile and he nodded.

"Well, as a matter of fact, we already did, didn't we?" he said amusingly, remembering the day they met at the Hospital's Cafeteria.

She smiled, ashamed at the memory and deeply moved by the moment. She continued, "Yes, I'm sorry for that day." She shrugged, "but I'm happy that you're okay, that you have understood and that you have overcome the situation. I apologize..." she lowered her eyes to the floor "but I couldn't make him change his mind. I tried but… you know him. Sam told me that you were angry at first, and I understand. I hope you can actually realize the reason Dave hid the truth from you, among all his friends." She nodded and touched his arm while he nodded again.

"I do, Caroline. I'll never be angry with him. I just can't." Hutch smiled a sweet smile and got lost in the peaceful image of his friend who was lying on the bed. The blond-haired man sighed, looking at Starsky he couldn't help a big smile of relief sketched on his fair face. "How is he?"

"He's recovering." She touched Starsky's rebellious curls; her eyes didn't leave the prone figure. "I'm sure he will be just fine, and now that you're here, that it'll happen soon."

"Yeah, I hope so too." Hutch made a long pause without taking his eyes off of his partner either, and he said: "And you, how are you doing?"

"I'm as good as I can be, but I'll be better when he wakes up. And for that to happen, I need you, Hutch. He needs you; so you better stay with him." She stood, "We can talk later."

"Okay, Yeah. The doctors didn't let me coming before, I… uh, since past Friday I wanted to come but they wouldn't let me... because of my..., well, said it was gonna be disturbing," Hutch said thoughtfully. He had insisted since nothing but Starsky's recovery was transcendent at the moment anyway, but the doctors denied him the possibility according to his state of mind.

"No worries, I'm a doctor, too. I know, I know" she closed her eyes feeling how desperate the man was, "You're here now, and that's what matters!"

She smiled at him and left the room.

********************S&H***********************

Hutch sat next to his partner, keeping the umpteenth sob at bay. He had cried many tears during the past days, but he felt grateful he had this chance. Thankful that Starsky was still holding on and was giving him the opportunity to stay together after all this time, generously. So he toured his body with his eyes, waiting as he had done that other time and so many times before, again.

It looked like this was his destiny, to expect that Starsky makes the decision to stay or to go away.

This time, they said, that he was going to do it; that he was going to leave him alone, but it seemed that it was not the right time yet.

His friend never ceased to amaze him.

"Hey, buddy. Here we're again. Thank God we are!" Hutch made a long pause since he could hardly breathe. He was so excited and emotional; he closed his eyes trying to regain his strength and stood up. He walked toward the interior window that overlooked the Hospital corridor, far from the bed in which his buddy lay.

He started talking again with his back to the bed.

"Thank God this happened! How long were you going to conceal yourself and play hide and seek with me, anyway? See if you were going to go without saying goodbye to me, uh?"

Hutch grimaced, and a lonely teardrop run down his cheek.

He couldn't hold it back, he turned around. He decided he needed to confirm that Starsky was still there. When he saw him, helpless and unconscious, he got back to his partner's side and reached out to touch him but still did not.

He withdrew his hand in a closed fist and shook his head.

He sat again and took a deep breath, and closed his eyes.

He felt very alone.

"Starsk, please, come back to me, to us. We're a bunch of people here, buddy. Every day we are here, waiting for you to get back, every single day. I know this time it could be challenging and hard but… You did it before. Why not now? Wouldn't you do it again? You know that we all still need you, don't you?" Hutch looked quietly at the still body who was lying in bed.

Nothing.

Hutch felt he was going to lose it.

There was no response, he wasn't succeeding, so he stood up again and walked to where the other window, the one that faced the park was. He needed to ease his breathing; he needed air; he ought to stop the incessant weeping and not to break.

He put his hands into his pockets; he inflated his lungs and bit his lower lip, and after a while he turned around and got back to the bedside, trying to sound lighter this time.

"I mean, it's hard to believe but no matter all that you have endured, you've been a very lucky pal. We're all lucky that you're still alive. You are a miracle, Starsk!"

He smiled at his friend with tenderness and stroked his hair.

For the first time, he touched him, and it felt good.

A jolt of energy got through him. It was an exquisite moment.

"We have this opportunity, partner, please?" At contact, the blond suddenly broke and started sobbing; he couldn't help it anymore. He laid his head on the mattress beside Starsky's right arm and cried until he had no more tears to shed. "This is too much, Starsk, please; wake up, please. It's been too long."

Nothing.

He composed himself and regained his character and cleared his throat and started talking again, trying to sound casual and uncommitted. "You know? Doc said that you can be stabbed once and die, but you can be stabbed eight or nine times even fifteen times and be discharged within the next 48 hours! Oh! I'm sorry, Starsk that I couldn't help you. I - I was a lousy friend." Hutch raised his eyebrows in earnest and asking for forgiveness. He caressed the gauze that covered his partner's chest. "Do you hurt, buddy? Still hurts...?"

Nothing.

Hutch sighed and continued talking. "He also said that the docs could have everything to save any person, but if you are not lucky, there's nothing they can do for anybody. That, in fact, the rate of success, depends on the part of the body in which the blade entered, you knew that?" He shrugged. "So, believe me, you've been lucky! After all, that he did to you, buddy." He broke at the recollection. "He's in Jail. He won't kill anymore. We've got him, partner! When we're out of here, we can go to Folsom and disembowel him any given day!" He laughed with tears at the suggestion though he would be willing to do it. "Oh, Starsk! I love you, and you are still here, alive, and listening to me, because I know that you're listening to me, my incurable mumpsimus. Come back to me, please." Hutch stroked the brunet's cheek.

Nothing.

Hutch sighed again. He won't give up that easily. "You know, buddy, in a few minutes when the first star appears in the sky," he stopped, "you know what day is it tomorrow?" He smiled remembering how Starsky enjoyed the celebration. "It's Rosh Hashanah, buddy. Year 5744! I'll eat the apple dipped in honey on your behalf; I want to make sure that this will be a good and sweet year!"

And he started crying, this time to no avail; this time, so fiercely that he had to leave the room.

Caroline was outside, sitting in a chair in the hallway when he saw her.

"What happened Hutch?" she asked him, scared.

"Nothing. I just remembered that it'll be Rosh Hashanah tomorrow … Oh, Caroline, I don't know if I can be able to stand this anymore."

They hugged, and she tried to soothe him.

"Everything will be okay, you'll see" she finally said, before he disappeared through the sliding doors of the waiting room.

"I have to go." and Hutch left Memorial.

********************S&H***********************

He went to the Synagogue.

The next day, in fact, the 8th September was going to be Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year. Hutch had always joined Starsky in the celebration, in his own way. Well, sometimes 'his' way was far more orthodox than Starsky's. The blonde-haired man insisted on celebrating the date by heart, and even he had tried to convince Starsky in the fasting tradition of Yom Kippur many times.

He had hardly achieved it, though.

Those parts of the celebrations did not appeal to his not so religious partner at all. He smiled at the memory.

Tomorrow it would be a very special Rosh Hashanah and Hutch had decided that he would go to the Synagogue and ask the Rabbi for some advice.

"Thanks for coming."

Rabbi Weinberg opened up his arms to receive Hutch.

Neither Hutch nor Starsky were very religious men, but in times like these, they had found great comfort in praying. It was not the first time that Hutch went to the Synagogue. Sometimes, the blond-haired man had thought that the religion could bring answers to some baffling situations. He experienced the same sentiment every time Starsky was in danger. It happened to him all the time. It was the religion that helped him cope with the anguish. In the past, when Starsky was injured or lost or sick, to drive the Torino meant closeness. Now that the Torino wasn't there anymore, going to the Church had replaced that closeness in his mind.

It had all started after Gunther.

When Starsky was dying, he had found some peace at the little Chapel in Memorial. He had gone to the Sunday morning services with the Dobey's when his friend was still so sick that they didn't know if he was going to make it. He had also gone to the Synagogue, many times, even with his partner when he was recuperating, to saying thanks.

Today it was Rosh Hashanah, and he felt like he had to go there again, to ask why and to say thank you.

"The Torah defines someone who's righteous as someone who has persevered in getting up from failure and keep moving forward. Life is the most precious thing we have, Hutch. Some people are righteous enough to keep life happening, by all means, with all their strengths and purposes and that's why these things happen. There are trials and challenges that only the firm and fair people can overcome."

"That's him!" The blond-haired man said excited, "Starsky, being alive and in fighting form is the most beautiful gift life could have ever given to me. Starsky, fighting to be beside me, persevering to be alive and breathing. I'm so grateful for it, but I'm also tired that there's always something that threatens me to take him away from me, the same old and dangerous things. I can't stand them anymore, Rabbi!" Hutch said pessimistic; he had gone for new answers to his old questions, just like he had done those other times.

"Ken, the old things should be left in the past. As the past year, that it has to end. We have to make a new start. The past is just that, past. You must understand that the year has to end in a much deeper sense than merely in terms of time alone, that it has to end inside us, everything that is left behind has to end."

"I'm scared to talk about endings." The blond-haired man said disconsolate.

"I'm not speaking of ends. I'm talking about beginnings." Hutch nodded at the meaningful words and closed his eyes, "_beginnings,"_ he thought. "This is no ordinary day, Ken." The rabbi continued saying, "We are at the gates of a new year, let it begins inside you."

"I don't know if we'll be able to do it this time, Rabbi. I think that Starsky was right in hiding what was happening to him from me. I'm not tough anymore. I don't know if I will be strong enough if I will be able to help him again."

"You love each other; you're lifelong friends. Strength, toughness… the ability to withstand enormous pressures and go to any lengths is what defines a long lasting relationship like yours. The New Year is coming, so let it begin inside you and keep the faith, Kenneth. May it be God's will, which we very soon merit. That day will be all Shabbat, and life will be everlasting…"

A bitter tear of deep emotion run down Hutch's cheek… it was a poignant moment.

"May it be God's will" he repeated while crossing the Threshold.

********************S&H***********************

"Good morning."

Starsky was gradually recovering though still in a coma; he was gathering his strength, as Caroline liked to say, recovering himself from getting back.

"Come in!" Caroline welcomed Hutch again, "I need to go and take a shower, you stay with him?"

He entered Starsky's room.

The rabbi's words were loudly echoing in his mind.

He had to be strong and gave Starsky the strength and hope in this new beginning.

"_May it be God's will,"_ he remembered, and he entrusted to the Almighty.

"Hi, buddy. You know I went to the Synagogue and listened to the Shofar, today. I talked to Rabbi Weinberg too; he sends his greetings…" Hutch sighed. "He said that it was good for me to listen to the Shofar that it symbolizes and reminds people of the Jewish faith that God allowed Abraham to sacrifice a ram instead of Abraham's son, Isaac. You know that?" Hutch smiled, remembering. Starsky always pretended to know nothing about many things, yet he was a very cultured man… of course, his buddy knew about the Shofar meaning. "You sure know that. He said that we must have faith, brother. And that I have to pray, and I've told him that it's been a long time that I didn't, you know, until today when I prayed in your Temple for us. I feel better now, much better pal." He stroked Starsky's face.

After saying that, Hutch got up, and without disturbing his buddy, put his arms around Starsky's body on both sides of him on the bed. He leaned over his forehead and kissed him. He stayed that way, for a long, long time looking at Starsky, straight into his beloved face, silently urging him to come back until his arms got numb.

"The Rabbi said that Life's all about the ability to get up from challenges. Now the time to get up has arrived, buddy, come on! You come back Starsk, don't waste our time! Maybe this short period we still have. But it's an incredible gift, a chance for us to stay together again even if it would be to say goodbye and I don't wanna waste it, not a second. So please you wake up! I know everything, I understand everything, the reasons why you did what you did, why you hid the truth from me, and I'm not angry. I love you Starsk, no matter what, so, please… come back, come back to me Starsk, for me?"

Hutch moved away; he thought he had seen something; a fluttering or a blink of an eye, something but nothing happened.

He insisted.

He was not going to give up; he could feel something that he couldn't grasp.

He regained his position with both arms around the still body.

"You know I've already talked to Caroline. She's got some legs on her, buddy. Way to go, Starsk! What a beautiful and intelligent girl." The blond smiled with sheer happiness for his friend, "Now I'm crazy! I think I saw you blink. Could be? Starsk, are you there?"

He shook his head and bit his lower lip sadly, and then he sat again, holding his hand and told him.

"No. I was wrong; Caroline's not a girl. She's your woman, pal. You've made it… you've found her! So come back to her too! She loves you, and she's waiting for you, just like me. She's got something terrific to tell you, you know that buddy?"

"Hush?"

And Starsky woke up as he had always done.

The sheer force of their friendship showing him his way back home.

********************S&H***********************

"Thanks, Hutch. You brought him back to me."

Hutch and Caroline were in the Cafeteria two days after Starsky came back from the coma. He was slowly acquiring more and more ability to respond and although he was able to stay awake only for a few minutes the duration also gradually increased. Caroline was very grateful, she wondered what he would have said to make him come back and respond, but she knew how much Starsky loved him.

She supposed that love had been the only reason. Love was always the reason.

"He loves you, Hutch; he always told me how much. He always said that he wanted to protect you that he didn't mean to be a burden to you." Hutch smiled, he was very moved by Caroline's words as she was lost in her reverie. "When I first met him I found he was a man so incredibly unique and fantastic, and he had this friend…" She shook her head, "However, something was lost from him when I first met. A touch, a glance, something and I didn't know what it was until he started talking about you, and your relationship, so unique too. He looked like an orphan and at first, I thought that it was because of his health, but no! turned out that what was missing in his life was just you! Nothing more, nothing less! He seemed incomplete; he was incomplete. Such a fantastic couple you are!" She laughed at the memory of the way how she felt the first time she met him, the first time she enjoyed Starsky's energy. Hutch nodded, simply and with his eyes full of unshed tears. "You know Hutch, he impressed me. He blew me away!" She smiled and lost her sight in the memory. "I love his courage and loveliness. I love all of him!", she smiled.

"Yes, I know the way you could have felt. I -" he made a pause as if he couldn't find the proper words to describe his feelings. "It happened to me the first day at the Academy so long ago, I always enjoy him very much, too. He's just special for me."

She agreed, nodding. "Yes, he sure is. He talked about you all the time. I'm so happy that you understood why he did the silly things he did, the way he did them. I've told him many times that he shouldn't keep on hiding the truth from you, but he was so stubborn... He just wanted to spare you the sorrow; turned out that his pain was killing him."

They both stayed silent; they both knew what they were talking about having known Starsky.

"Nobody's as kind-hearted and altruistic as Starsky is, Caroline," Hutch said. "He sacrificed himself many times for what he thought was worthy."

She shook her head, "Yes. I guess so… anyway, I still wonder what you've told him to make him react that soon." She smiled wickedly, "I would love to have that recipe. He's a hell of a spirit sometimes, hard to handle and convince, I mean!" She was curious.

"Years!" Hutch said, "It's been years!" They laughed. "But nope, I didn't say any differently than you did, that I love him, of course, but just guess that when I mentioned your name, he worried and got scared, that's all."

She frowned; she didn't understand.

"Oh, you know... my extraordinary charming personality." He finished pompous, and they both laughed.

There was a long silence, nothing uncomfortable, though they had just met. Their silences weren't awkward. Hutch started playing with the sugar cubes. "It's not that, we are just one, Caroline. We can't be apart, and I'm so damn happy that you understand it. If something happens to him, I mean". His hands tightened into fists, and his eyes swam with tears. "Oh, Caroline, What am I gonna do?"

She didn't say anything, couldn't tell. She had her own sorrow and couldn't help Hutch to cope with his. Hutch realized how distraught the girl became, so he decided it was no use to get melancholic.

Again, another eternity of silence coursed between the two of them until Hutch started talking again, "Hey, Caroline… Do you wanna know why? What did I tell him? I told him that you had to tell him something important, and he awoke because I'm sure he didn't want to miss that. You know Starsky, he can be more curious than a little kid. That was the reason he came back." Hutch pulled a face and waved his eyebrows "You. Because of you and your secret... when are you gonna tell him?"

She sighed, though she wanted to tell him about the baby, she was worried. She didn't know the impact that the piece of news could have on Dave's delicate state of mind. The news would be both happy and sad, especially since she knew that maybe he would never meet the baby.

He might never touch him.

"Well, I guess that when he feels better and when he's more focused, I don't know. I'm scared, Hutch. I love him so much." Caroline could feel that she was being embraced by an indescribable pain but at the same time by a peaceful and serene sentiment, a feeling with all shades of love.

She had the certainty that only true love could imply.

Starsky was the man of her life. She knew. He was The man.

That assuredness toured through her, like an electrical current, from her heart to her mind, as well as through all her being. That calmness crossed her soul; she had achieved it. Having known him, she knew what love meant. It was the purest and immense feeling that she was going to experience, and it was thanks to Starsky.

And Hutch realized.

She was being illuminated in her beautiful face by his luminous light, only by the small sweet memory. However, on the dark side, she was desperate, and that same light was being shed on her, burning her, devouring her, slowly.

Hutch hugged her. He also knew.

"Why does this have to happen to me, Hutch? I've found this beautiful man, this handsome and incredibly wonderful man, and I'm gonna lose him. Dave started off my dream. My dream became real the day I found him. My search for that particular man ended the day I've met him, and I'm gonna lose him, and I'm sure I'll never find someone like him. I'm sure I won't ever want to look for someone or be with someone else but him. Only him; he calms my soul".

"Caroline, maybe they're wrong. I mean, they don't know Starsky, perhaps he can make it. But if that's what's supposed to happen, that he's gonna die, at least it's good that you have met him." She frowned, what Hutch was saying, spoke volumes about the man's devotion toward her boyfriend. He kept saying, "You love him, still love him and having known Starsky, perhaps it's true that you don't wanna go and find anybody else. I wouldn't either. I understand you. I mean, what for?" Hutch made a pause, lost in what seemed could be his lonely future, "He's my partner, my best friend and part of my soul, and no one could ever replace him in my life. I won't ever need anybody else but him by my side. I won't ever work with anyone else. I won't ever search for someone else. I have the same certitude, Caroline."

They both smiled; they shared more than they had ever imagined. They were suffering the same pain; they were also partners.

"Yes, it's hard to explain, but I think that you're the only one who understands me. I will never feel the way I feel when I'm with him now. I never imagined that anyone could become as significant and necessary in my life. I never thought that I could feel so immensely happy and sad at the same time." She sobbed her broken heart, but, above all, she felt deeply saddened.

"I know how you feel, Caroline. You know, it happened to me with Starsk before, after the shooting… I thought I had lost him, and it was devastating. Regardless, I'd found early in my life that love can be a happy and sad feeling, when they gunned him down," he shook his head plainly. "I thought I was gonna die with him. I felt like a ghost; it was a nightmare."

"Yes, but in my case, I mean... we're gonna have a baby. I - I love him, Hutch."

"No, you just don't love him. You truly, actually love him, and that makes a hell of a difference. It hurts more, I know."

"What do you mean, I just don't get it," she asked him.

"I've been married once, and I thought I loved her, but then, it didn't work, and well, I realized that I had never loved her indeed. The love that you feel about Starsky is a very different thing. It's real love. I found out about it, later in my life, the day I met my true love. Gillian. That was her name," he shrugged, and she stayed silent, intently listening to his heartfelt words. "The day that by chance, I met this incredibly beautiful woman," He smiled excited and closed his eyes full of tears at the memory. "Our souls were in a profound and unique communion, and I knew, the instant I met her, that I had never loved before and that would never love again, after having loved her. Oh! I loved that woman!" He shook his head. "I never felt that way before, neither after... I, I understand you, Caroline." Hutch said, sympathetic.

"And what happened to her?" She asked him softly.

"She died. Someone killed her, because… well, it doesn't matter." he said bluntly.

There was a long silence; they stared at each other

"Just like Terry?"

"You know about her?"

She nodded.

"Mhm, Just like her," Hutch said and raised his eyebrows.

She grimaced. She had talked with Dave about Terry, and she knew, but he had always been very careful not to mention his late lady in a way that he could hurt her feelings. She wasn't sure she wanted to know about her either, but she was evidently intrigued.

"What do you know about Terry?" the blond-haired man perceived her curiosity.

"Very little. He told me the story and said about his misfortunes with ladies, that his 'Cartwright's curse' had taken her away from him." Hutch laughed at the memory, Starsky always said so, he always joked about it, so the blond nodded, maudlin. "But that's all I know so far," she ended.

Starsky had always tried to protect Caroline's feelings, so he had limited to tell her that Terry had been his Lady, his project, but that someone had killed her because of him. So she asked Hutch about her and the way Dave felt when she died. She was curious and even jealous, and Hutch told her the story.

"And you? What happened to you, how did you feel when Gillian died?"

"Just the same as he did, I felt forlorn and sad." Hutch sighed. "At first, I wanted to die too, but then I got over it. As we've said, life can be happy and sad. It can be happy to have found someone special, and it can be very sad to know that forever, seems to be too short a time to be together." He caressed her cheek; she was a beautiful and sweet girl, she deserved Starsky, and he deserved her too. "It's all that happens in between that makes it worth living, Caroline." the flaxen-haired man finished.

She nodded and started crying grief-stricken.

"You love him that much. You love him just like I do." Hutch said reflexively.

"Oh, Hutch! You don't know how much!" she said desperately.

"Yes, I do Caroline, yes I do."

She felt like immolated in Starsky's love. And it showed. She felt she was burning in sheer and perfect love, and that was what Starsky meant to her.

Pure and absolute love.

"I love him with all my being and my senses. He's so fine and perfect, and I'm afraid that's the way it will be forever, no matter how short our forever will be… whether he is going to be alive or not."

"No one said that forever lasts forever" Hutch smiled.

"That's what Dave always says."

Sometimes, life could be short.

"But you're right, Caroline, no matter how long. Take pleasure in him, seize every minute with him, in the end everything always ends."

They both smiled.

One way or another, looked like 'today' was all that they had.

Hutch winked to her "Now go and see him, he's waiting…"

She nodded and disappeared through Starsky's room's door.

********************S&H***********************

The next days at Memorial were peaceful.

Fortunately, Starsky did not suffer from any infection. The stab wounds healed nicely, and there were no unforeseen complications or relapses from his injuries. Starsky was getting better and better every passing day; regardless the leg cast that was uncomfortable for him, and the splintered breastbone, that prevented him from moving normally, but his moods were reasonably good. His extraordinary mental strength made the whole Parry episode, just that, an episode, only an evil memory. He was stronger and had so much ahead in such a brief time that he made the personal decision to don't tie himself to the past and forget what had happened, the assault and the outrage.

To let the Shofar sounds invade every space.

Hutch, Caroline, and his short life were ahead of him, and he would not even, for just one second, let his present be overshadowed by the past.

Neither would he ruin his future.

All he had got was this present, the present in which Hutch was back, and Caroline was still by his side, so he felt like he had his entire universe aligned, and he decided he would get the best of it.

However, it was still cancer.

********************S&H***********************

"Caroline, Detective Hutchinson," Murray said worriedly; he and Garrahan had scheduled an appointment with Caroline and Hutch in his consulting room at Memorial, to discuss the further treatments related to Starsky's cancer. "Well, we uh… took a combined CT scan and PET, and we've got a complete picture of the actual tumors locations and its growth and…" the doctor cleared his throat, he couldn't go on.

Caroline looked down; she sensed what John was going to say, she knew him very well and also knew that with what had happened they had lost too much time already.

Precious time.

Garrahan spoke instead of Murray. "Well, it has spread too much."

Caroline sighed and nodded perturbed.

Murray held her hands, "Carol, please. I'm sorry, darling but don't be scared."

"It's okay; it's okay… I knew that this was gonna happen, I knew. It's all right."

She knew.

But Hutch didn't, and he didn't know what to do either. He stroked her back tenderly trying to comfort the woman and asked himself who was going to comfort him. He hadn't been confronted with Starsky's cancer reality before, so this was the first time for him. And just like her, he also felt devastated.

"We - we need to restart chemo right now, it's mandatory. It's urgent that we start treatment now. If we don't, we'll not be able to slow the progress and... Well, you know Carol, the" Murray hesitated.

"The end would come sooner than we expected, John. I know," she sighed and said grimly. She was a tough lady too. She composed immediately, but she broke again and lost her sight far away… "Why?" she said, "Oh, Hutch how it hurts. Why, John?"

Nobody would ever have the proper answers.

Therefore, they scheduled one round of chemo during his hospitalization on 21st September, the first one with this new drug, the Cisplatin. The chosen day, Starsky was transferred to Hope, in an ambulance. They settled him in a beautiful room with a large window and a breathtaking view of the San Gabriel Valley and Mountains for the two days treatment.

Caroline and Hutch were beside him all the time.

"David, you have to be very careful with this new drug; it could make you feel quite different from the other rounds of chemo. Even, temporary vision loss or blurred vision may occur with Cisplatin use rarely …" Murray said directly.

"What? You mean I'm gonna be blind?" Starsky said shocked.

"Not necessarily, David, but It could happen though normal vision usually returns after the end of treatment. I'm just telling you these uh… well, these new side effects to adding, new side effects that the drug could carry with itself."

Hutch touched him, trying to give him strength and Starsky raised his eyebrows while the taller man winked his eyes, reassuringly "_I'll be here beside you all the time, pal. This time it was not going to be the same. I am here!"_ That was the message.

Starsky nodded to the silent words.

"For example," The doctor continued, "though it hasn't happened to you before, you should be careful with any anaphylactic-like reactions, David. So my advice is that you tell Caroline or your friend here about any symptoms that feel strange for you. You should be well aware of these possibilities, okay?" Murray tried to sound comprehensive and precise.

Starsky shrugged and asked, hopeful like a little boy. "Doc, I mean... I'm feeling this good now. Why - why do I have to go through this again? It's futile and pointless." he said disconsolate.

The idea of stopping the chemo was lurking him since the last round, eons ago, in the last week of July.

"Well, David," the doctor sighed, he had to say this though he didn't like to say it aloud, "you can always reject the chemo supplies; as a matter of law and medical ethics, I need your informed consent before administering chemotherapy. So, though I firmly believe that this is the best treatment option available to you, it's your prerogative, to determine the direction in which your treatment is going to go. Yours, not mine, as your physician, so if…"

"Don't John! Stop! What are you suggesting to him? Are you crazy? What are you talking? Of course, he's gonna take the chemo!" Caroline interrupted. She was frantic and hysterical; her eyes couldn't express more anger… they looked like they were going to bulge out of her orbits. "Murray?!" She berated her colleague. She also felt betrayed by her friend. There was a sharp silence until she spoke again. They were all expecting her reaction indeed. She turned to look at Starsky, who sat on the bed. She fixed her eyes on him until the moment she realized that she hadn't that power over him; she couldn't decide those kinds of things, so she realized and asked him fearfully. "Dave?" She was worried sick and scared. If Starsky gave up, what else could she do?

And Starsky realized and soothed her. "Sh, Hey Cary. It's okay, it's okay, Cary, I was just asking. I'll take it; I'll take it… okay? It's all right." Starsky looked at his girl, trying to comfort her and reassure her though she was elsewhere… "Hey, hey!" He gained her attention by grabbing her chin and smiled at her, "It's okay, it's all right, cutie pie," he nodded opening his eyes and hugged her. "I'll do it; I'll do it. Come on!" he stretched his arms to the girl who let herself being embraced by him.

It was a heartbreaking moment that Hutch could barely stand. Starsky realized how despaired his partner became too. He raised his head to Doctor Murray while she wept over his shoulder, mumbling, "Sorry, Motek, I'm sorry."

Hutch was just there, speechless.

Starsky felt that they were both his responsibility, so he calmed them both saying "It's okay, it'll be fine. I'll go for it, John. I'm ready for the fourth round."

He let go of her and smiled a sweet and courageous smile to Hutch and his lady.

They started with the fourth round on scheduled time.

However, this time it was tortuous.

Caroline, Hutch, and everybody else helped him cope with the pain and nausea; the damage to his body was very hard to accept. He hated the chemo, they all hated the chemo and everything related to it.

Cisplatin was a killer.

In Hutch's case it was one brand new story, it was even worse. The blond-haired man had never seen his friend going through that hell before, so he was devastated, bereaved. After every round, Starsky looked physically razed and demolished. Chemo left him in such a bad condition that it was like a preview of his absence. The idea of being deprived of Starsky, the absolute and mysterious absence that would follow his death, haunted Hutch; he could barely cope with. Sam had to prop him emotionally more than once.

And he overcame it too.

After 35 days, under which overall Starsky's state was pretty good Murray authorized him to be discharged. Garrahan, on the other hand, thought that he should remain hospitalized.

They had discussed Starsky's treatment many times before.

The younger doctor was sure that being the brunet, a young and energetic man; he would be capable of dealing with an even more tremendous amount of drugs. He thought that they should increase the dose of Cisplatin as it seemed that the drug had begun to reduce one of the tumors. On the other hand, Murray believed that since the aftermath of cisplatin was so devastating, albeit they should keep giving the supplies, it was equally true that the dose should remain unchanged.

For him, increase cisplatin would jeopardize Starsky's overall health.

Something that naturally they did not want to provoke. He was also sure that the fact of being outside the hospital would raise his vacillating mood.

Thus, Murray decided, barely consulting Garrahan that Starsky should be discharged. On Friday, October 5, after three rounds of furious Cisplatin, Starsky left the Hospital and went home.

Fourteen days after the end of the summer and the beginning of the fall.

Everybody wanted that it was not his downfall.

**ACT 38 – BE MY BABY -**

The beach house was beautiful.

The light cyan clapboard and the white windows were like a part of the sea and gave a broad welcome to the shoreline. The deck that overlooked the beach invited everybody to spend much time there, and the walnut manicured hardwood floor, in the living room, gave a sandy and cozy atmosphere to all spaces.

They had just arrived yesterday from Hope to Sam's beautiful beach house, the house that was theirs more than anybody else at the time. They were lying in bed. In fact, she was just staring at Starsky while he was sleeping.

The white French windows, in their bedroom, were opening onto the terrace and the patio; onto the beach and the sea. The soft pale greige gauze curtains danced, and they were brought inside and outside the chamber by the gentle morning breeze. The summer was fighting its farewell, and the young Santa Ana winds let the smell of the sea mingles timidly with the scent of gardenias and freesias that had started to sweeten the air. Sunbeams came through the blinds and flooded everything with the gilded patina of the new morning.

It was beautiful.

Even his olive skin, which was shining though emaciated now.

He was also beautiful.

The surf sounding in its frothy crashing coupled with the sonic sounds of Starsky's breathes and with the squawk of seagulls which were their rhythm. A sense of peace, sheer freshness and tranquility pervaded everything. A golden deluge had embedded in the narrow space in which their bodies and their worlds had become.

It had the form of their baby.

The baby was the space between them, and they were a perfect picture.

Caroline felt absorbed by the man who was lying beside her; she was delighted with his inner strength and bewitched in the lines of his rugged face.

He slept like a little boy.

He could be boy and man, both, and she loved him both sides too, inside and out.

She loved all of him.

They had spent yesterday their romantic night. They had talked and sung to the moonlight. Starsky had asked Huggy to cook a special meal for them, something that he could eat and the old friend had granted. They had eaten seafood and drunk a few sips of frost champagne. He had even planned a night full of sex that never happened, of course. Despite Starsky's plans, he fell asleep, exhausted after eating. It had been so suddenly, so unexpectedly after everything and before everything and while Caroline was preparing coffee, that the whole situation had left her maudlin. She experienced a gloomy, and most of all, a worrying sensation of emptiness. Undoubtedly, despite the injuries that he had sustained and from which he had entirely recovered, the traces of the cancer were becoming visible in his body. In fact, with the Cisplatin supplies, his life force had been reduced to a few shreds of passion, lately. And she wanted to save them for the future since his mere touch equaled to an eternity of glory for her.

Caroline had thought to tell him about the baby, at some time, during the night, when they lingered together in bed, in the warm and white bedroom. But then he fell asleep, and she thought that perhaps, it would be better to tell him the next day.

"_Better to let him rest and say everything about it during tomorrow when he's gonna be more stable and even more settled,"_ she thought.

And 'tomorrow,' had come. She was nervous.

Hence, she was waiting for him to wake up, just watching him, anxiously, to tell him.

She did not want to disturb him; she was only limited to hear and see him breathing.

"_Today, no matter what, I'm gonna tell him…"_ she thought

********************S&H***********************

At eight A.M., a twitch of his nose, a yawn, and his flushed dark blue eyes started to open. He looked at her with a vague, sweet and faint smile, which although tiny, was splendorous. And there he was, all of him, in his blueberry and coffee magnitude. Like a yummy breakfast. "_You're dreamy!"_ She thought.

"Morning, handsome, how you doing?"

"Mmhh… 'M fine" he curled up on her, he sighed and gave her a tiny peck on her nose "Morning sunshine," he said.

"Hey, so small?" She pouted, "Come on, gimme some more…" she started tickling him "you Scrooge!" she hissed.

"Me what? What did you say? C'mere, what did you call me? You girl, have the nerve to say it aloud and on my face. Come on!" He started like fighting her, playfully. And he laughed a big and flashy smile, until a piercing pain stabbed him; crossed him, from the bottom of his back to his solar plexus. He felt his waist shattered as if it had been crushed, and the same pain affected his chest, knocking him down and making him collapse exhausted onto the mattress. Regardless of the pain, this time he had been able to disguise.

This time.

Thankfully, her laughter still echoed in the room when he realized that she hadn't realized that he was hurting so bad and what had happened to him. Caroline kissed him and kept on talking, blissfully distracted in her thoughts. "No, indeed, my love. How do you feel?" She turned around and leaned on her elbows and asked him again.

His pain was almost completely gone, so he composed a little, feeling able to answer. "Now that I'm home, I feel okay. I'm all right." He said with a raspy voice, and then he looked at the ceiling. He waited for a second, deciding whether he should tell her or not. And then he did, looked into her eyes and said. "You know, Cary, I hate Memorial, and it's been more than one month there," he sighed and made an extended pause. "Babe, listen to me when the time comes I don't wanna die in Memorial, please? I wanna stay here, with you and Hutch at the beach."

"Hey," she put a kiss on his mouth "Shh! Don't be so melodramatic… You're not gonna die."

"Okay." Starsky accepted, without any further discussion and lost his sight through the window. She got nearer to him and started caressing him, cooing into his ears.

"You're not gonna leave me, okay? Never, you hear? Never!" she repeated more than once, and he nodded tenderly.

"Okay," he said again, in a sad little whisper; he sounded defeated.

She sighed and hugged him, "Oh, Dave, I love you; I'm so in love with you. I can't imagine my life without you in it. You'll stay? Say it." She sounded hopeless. "I believe in you, and if you say it, that you'll stay then, I'll believe it. Say it!" Sometimes she felt very desperate, and she needed to hear him saying it - that he was going to stay. And then, she urged him to repeat it so she could believe it.

He smiled that masculine and yet innocent smile and said, "I'll stay as long as I can; I promise. What else can I do?" He grinned like a little boy, and he sighed.

"Yes, Yafe, please. Please? You promise me that you'll do it, that you'll stay, okay?"

He nodded again silently while he caressed her face and her hair and after a while, inflated his lungs and said. "Promises, promises, promises" he shrugged at the secret and private code and raised his eyes to the ceiling. "Yeah... I promise I'll try."

"You better do!" And she smiled that bright white smile of hers, satisfied.

There was a long, thick silence between them. She was cuddled up to him.

The fresh air was entering the room, the sound of the ocean was coming and going.

Caroline's head was over Starsky's bare chest, which went up and down rhythmically as the tide did. She was playing with his chest hair; she loved to do that, she loved him so much.

They stayed that way for a long time, just breathing their essences.

They both knew that they were lying.

Until the moment that he couldn't stand it anymore. He felt a hypocrite, phony and even dirty, so he shook his head in silence until he suddenly said "I'm sorry, Cary!" and he disentangled from her and got up brusquely.

He left her alone in bed, took the deepest breath that he could muster and walked to the window. She was perplexed. "I guess that I'm not good company at the moment, Caroline. You better go to the Hospital, will ya? You go back to work, to your life and leave me alone here," he said out of nowhere.

She got up; she also went to the window where he stayed standing still.

"What are you saying, Dave. I'll never leave you. I'll never get back to work and leave you. Hey…"

Since he didn't turn around she called him again, but he still couldn't face her, he hadn't the nerve to look at her and tell her. "I've been clear enough, Caroline. I think you better go and get back to your life!" he sighed and lost his sight through the window. His jaw tensed.

"You called me Caroline? Did you talk about my life? I'm Cary, and my life's here, beside you, nowhere else. I thought that you already know that." Her tone was serious, she shook her head; he was still staring to the sea without looking at her; his silhouette sketched in the crystal. She insisted. "Caroline loves you. I - I love you, Motek and you are my life." She went straight to him and embraced him from behind, from his back. She felt the tightness as she approached him, he was tense at first, but then heard him sob, so she kept on speaking. "You're talking nonsense, my love, relax. I'm here, and I'll always be here. Tell me, what's going on, uh?" She said kindly and knowingly that these kinds of reactions were very common when it came to a cancer patient, so she finished speaking. "I'll never leave you, so you better get used to it!"

He looked at her bereaved and to the sea again. "Oh, I'm sorry! I hate myself. Sometimes I'm mushy and sad. I have these swings in mood, but I just can't help them. Sometimes I feel like I have no force no will like I'm so damn tired." He shook his head.

"You've got all the reasons to be tired, honey, but I'm here, and no matter how much you insist, I'll be here all the same. I'll be here all the time," she assured him.

Starsky smiled a bitter smile. "My 'all the time's' very short. That's the problem, but it's my problem; that's what I wanna tell you. You're free to go away. When I realize that I'll never be a cop again, it seems to me unfair that you stay here stuck to this cripple man I became. Unfair that you can't keep doing your job," He finished, and she didn't say anything, she just stared at him, defiantly and he realized. "I'm sorry! I'm sad, I don't know, when I realize that I won't be here, maybe the next 4th Of July, for example…" He giggled. "I'm stupid, right? That this will be my last Christmas, hopefully, and If I make it through December. And then, I think," he pressed his head into his hands and clenched his teeth, angry. "I think that I don't have to think, I don't have to do it, but I just can't help it!" He finished saying. Starsky smiled sadly and shrugged, he turned around to her and got lost in her eyes feeling so grateful to have her, despite everything, despite his best efforts to throw her out of his life. "I'm sorry. I love you too, Cary. I have no right to say these things to you, make you feel this way. Thank you for being here. C'mere, babe."

He grabbed her by her arm and hugged her.

He closed his eyes until he looked at her beautiful face and eyes again; she was still there so lovingly, and she was for real. "Do you like fireworks?" Out of nowhere, Starsky asked her, "Have I ever told you how much I love fireworks? Aw, I'll miss that too…" He looked like a kid, and she couldn't help but love him even more.

"Why are you talking about this, now, uh?" she asked him.

"Well," he closed his eyes again and held back the tears, "I think I feel pity for myself. I feel like now I can tell that this is true, that this is gonna happen. That I have this little time, here." He put his hand on his chest and touched his heart. "I feel it, here. I'm sorry, my love. It all comes to the fact that I don't think I can fulfill my promise."

She hugged him as strong as she could; she didn't want to let him go. "Please, Dave, you have to. Stick around. I can't imagine the world without you in it, let alone my whole life."

He nodded. "You don't have to be scared, honey," He told her.

"I am, I'm scared. Sometimes I wake up in the morning, frightened. I feel like a child, I'm afraid that I'm gonna wake up and that you've already slipped away," she said without trying to hide anything and started crying. He could feel her tears wetting his chest. "Please. Stay with me, Dave," she repeated and urged him.

"Shh! don't cry, you've got to get used to this, we have to get used to this, please…" She nodded. "I'm afraid of dying too, honey and leaving you. I'm scared of the damn universe keeps running without me. I wonder if my departure's gonna be overlooked by the rest of the world. That nobody, except Hutch and you and some other folks, are going to realize that I'm gone. I know it's selfish, but that's the way I feel. I found myself thinking many times about it. How can it be possible for the world to continue without me?" he laughed. "And then I feel sorrow for me, because I know, that no one's indispensable, that maybe I won't be remembered." He split from her again and looked at her eyes grabbing her by her arms. "I'm gonna miss many things, Cary. I dream about a place where everything and everyone ends the day in which I end. If only I could take both of you with me... I will miss you, and I'll miss Hutch. But then, I don't want that to happen. To you or him, either anyone else, to stop with me. I don't want you to end. I want you to live forever." They hugged one more time, and he finally said while in her embrace. "I hate to say it, I always pretended to be the tough one, but I feel very sorry for myself… There are so many things that I still wanna do."

She thought about telling him, yet; she couldn't find the strength to do it. To tell Starsky what was going on. She tried and tried. She attempted to find the ways, to say the truth, by all means, but since he was so depressed, she did not know how to approach him, and she skipped the issue again.

"What things?" she asked him timidly.

"Lots of things. Big and small ones." He shrugged and changed his face's expression. "I won't travel, and I feel like there are so many places that I still need to go. I won't hear any more new songs, no music, and I feel like there are many melodies I haven't heard yet, I'm sad I won't see you again and Hutch and my friends… I'm just sad." He sighed, "Children, your eyes, I..."

She put her hand over his mouth, prevented him from keeping talking and said. "Your eyes. Your eyes are the only ones I wanna see and you the only place where I wanna be." She raised his head from his chin, and he sensed her and looked down to her eyes.

She waited for a moment. He had said children; she could tell him but then she just winked at him, and he smiled.

"Oh, lady, you're special. I must have been a good guy. I don't deserve you." Starsky smiled.

"You do!"

And they kissed.

After a while in silence, she took him by his hand again and got him back to bed

"Do you feel any better? Come with me, here, here with me," she invited him.

The time came, and she needed to tell him about the baby. She ought to do it one way or another although she couldn't find the courage to say it aloud yet.

"Dave," She sighed, "I have something to tell you that, well, something that I'm sure that's gonna make you feel good."

"You really?" he cleared his throat and sat up in bed pretending to be interested.

"Yes. Something so good and happy too, but you don't have to think about those things that you've been thinking lately. That is if you wanna know. I won't tell you if you don't promise me, you promise?"

He couldn't focus on any other subject.

"Like it or not, I have to do it, I have to think about such things."

She started feeling exhausted, his insistence about his final days sometimes was overwhelming. "No. It's not necessary, not now. You don't have to think about 'such, things' now. Don't do it, stop, off, away, out!" She smiled, "Forget about it, and you better listen to what I have to tell you first. Forget about everything else. I've been waiting for this for a long time… since you started recovering, in fact, two weeks ago indeed. So you promise?"

He nodded a barely audible okay, shook his head and put a smile on his face. "Okay, I promise. What do you have to tell me, what that would be?" He took her and raised her body toward his. "Come on, my beautiful lady, you tell me." He cradled her in his strong arms, and he settled on the bed and stared at her in admiration. "Oh, you are amazing, girl! C'mon, what's that, uh? What's that?"

"Well," She scraped her throat and swallowed the lump that appeared so suddenly. She bit her lower lip. She couldn't say it bluntly; she just couldn't. "First of all, I just want to let you know that… that you don't have to feel phony or a liar because you'll be with me forever, that this, this will be for forever, okay?" She hoped he would understand. She held her breath since she was very nervous; she didn't know the way he could react, but she had to tell him.

"Lady, the way I see it, it won't be for that long." He smiled ironically, and she realized it didn't work. "I have not enough breaths…" he added, "you lend me some?" He said provocatively. He had decided it was time to change the moods. To feel depressed wasn't good, and Caroline didn't deserve it either. "_Why ruin the few moments that we have to be together, don't we?"_ Starsky thought, so he played dirty with her, and she felt that she couldn't ignore him.

"_That smile!"_ She thought and since she was longing for him; she kissed him, passionately. He almost couldn't breathe. "There you have! All my breaths. For you, forever! I'll give you forever. I love you so bad, Dave." She shook her head in ecstasy. "Please, hang on." She kissed him again, this time tenderly.

"Aw, Gee! Well, when you do that to me and say those kinds of things, I feel like you can resurrect me anytime and make me live forever. So thank you! That was the very very real kiss of life."

They smiled, and they stayed like that, staring at each other for a long time.

Mutually adoring themselves while he played with her hair.

They were like that as if they were on the verge of the end of times, suspended... and yet, she couldn't say a word; she thought about talking again in riddles, and she was trying to start when he came forward and began talking again.

"You make me feel happy, Caroline, no matter what. You make me feel safe and alive. You give me your strength. You're strong and intelligent, and beautiful and worthy, and that reassures me." He made a face closing his eyes, like being at peace and deeply moved.

"Reassures you? How?" She frowned, what he was saying was unexpected.

"Because I'm sure that the moment I'm gone and leave you, you're gonna take care of yourself, and you won't be alone."

"I'll never be alone, Dave," she said, hopeful that he understands.

But he didn't.

"I know. And I know that you'll fall in love again, and I want you to fall in love again, Cary. Please, can you promise me? And never let go of that promise?" He looked at her, although she was stunned. "Promise me that you won't need me around to be safe, that I won't need to take care of you because you'll find somebody else. Someone who will protect you. I need to know that you're gonna be safe without me." He begged her and raised his eyebrows.

"No," she said bereaved and indignantly. Suddenly, she forgot all her schemes and strategies. She should make it clear to Starsky, that she never would love anyone else but him. She needed to state it. He was that special for her. "I won't. I won't promise you that. I won't love anyone else. I'll never replace you, Dave. I won't ever do it, how could I? You're very special to me and for so many reasons. You are the most incredible man I've ever met, and I'm nuts about you; those beautiful and precise details that made you who you are, David Michael Starsky, makes you irreplaceable for me. You are my one and only, my love, and to changing that, it just, it just won't be possible."

She was so sure about it that he stayed speechless before the forcefulness of her words. She started caressing his face, his moles, the big lips, his thick eyebrows and long eyelashes, his eyes… she licked the hollow of his eyes.

Starsky's eyes were stunning and indescribable.

She got lost in his eyes.

She could say that they were blue, indeed, but they weren't entirely blue, blue of the most beautiful blue ocean or just, merely blue at all.

She could also say that they were beautiful, that they had the brilliance of one thousand gemstones in their indigo sparkling luminescence, but that would be an understatement too.

The colors of his eyes were... she didn't know. They reminded her of something extravagant and captivating. He was the purest allure.

She knew, in that moment and in that moment only, that the twinkle in his eyes was the most beautiful thing she was ever going to witness in her whole lifetime.

She felt that without that twinkle around, she was going to feel very alone.

"There will never be anyone else like you in my life, my Motek, and I'm damn sure about it." she finally said.

He smiled and murmured, "Thank you. But you have a lot of love to give." He put his hand over her face, peacefully. "Though you make my whole life worth living, honey, I know that when I'm not here anymore, you'll go and make someone else as happy as you make me. You're all my life, baby, but I know that I'm just a part of yours."

"Oh, yes you are, honey, you are! You're the only and biggest part of it," she admitted.

"But I can only give you grief, and bad times, pain and sorrow, I'm sorry. You don't deserve the kinds of things I can give you. I'm sorry. I'm vanishing, leaving nothing worthy behind. Nothing more than some little and scarce good memories and suffering."

"That's not true… you're leaving a lot." "_Come on Caroline, here you go again this is the right time. Do it, tell him!"_ she thought.

"I guess that you should be better off without me, you better leave me." he continued saying depress.

"Not again Dave, don't start again, honey," she thought. "I won't do it, Dave! I wanna stay because I love you, all of you. The good and the bad and I want you, forever. You and me, every day. I want us. I want you. I want this. The way it is, or it will be, and I'll never want anyone else or anything else but you in my life, my love." She stated firmly.

"Oh, I love you, Caroline, I'm sorry." He was pouting, and she hugged him.

"You don't have to feel sorry, Motek; I love you too."

"But I'm sorry I'm leaving you. I just don't want you to be alone, to feel alone."

"I won't ever be alone; I'll never be alone." Her voice firm and trying to say more than words could say, their baby will be forever with her. "_This is it!"_ She thought. "_I have to do it now! Now I have the courage and the moment has come"._

She looked him straight in his beautiful eyes and smiled. He realized that something had changed in her.

"What?" he said.

She untangled her body from him and pushed his torso up from his armpits to the headboard behind. She put the cushions below his back.

"What are you doing?" he asked her curiously.

He resisted a little at first until he let himself being laid down and then she sat astride him and took him by his hand. She put his hand on her belly and looked at him, silently, waiting for him to understand, to see if he would realize without words. Starsky looked at her and raised his eyebrows, asking a silent question again "now what?" But he did not say a word, so then she started.

"You know that there are ailing plants in the universe, sternly ill, that are known to put all their residual energy into flourish and drop kernels, one last time before they die?"

"What? Why should I know that?" he was confused.

"Because that is what happened…" she said calmly.

He frowned. "Well I - I didn't know." He shrugged, "I've never been good at science at school," he smiled childishly, "But are you sure you didn't take one of my medicines, accidentally? You ain't making any sense, honey" he cracked a booming laugh again.

"No, I didn't, but anyway, I think I'm making sense. I think that to me, this" she pressed his hand over her belly and looked at him making a subtle pause, "this makes all the sense that my life needs. That you are my primary reason to make sense. That we, together, though we're not plants, are starring the pure evolutionary theory. If I hadn't met you, the evolutionary theory would have been nonsense for me, and now it has a sense. You and me, us, now we have a lot of meaning and our being together a purpose."

"Cary, Lady, what are you talking about?" Now he was, even more, confused. He used to be good at it, at reading women yet this time… he didn't understand.

She took one long, lasting breath and a big sigh. She was relieved to have said it though he was in denial, indeed. She finally said with a sweet smile on her face, "Okay, Dave, listen to me. Though reproduction for plants is a little less complicated than it is for humans, dropping seeds, traveling through the wind and all... I guess that pure love, like ours, true love like ours has some magic, and it's capable of making complicated things simpler, and miracles happen."

She squeezed his hand and pressed it down her belly. She realized he frowned, and for the first time that he had acknowledged.

He stared at her womb and tried to say something, but he couldn't find the words. He started becoming agitated, happily agitated. Starsky raised his eyebrows, and his eyes filled with tears, he was wordless and breathless and scared and in awe.

His mouth was open, he was so full of questions, so he raised his eyes to her, and she said, straight into his eyes.

"I wanna tell you that I know that somehow, I'll take care of me when you're gone if that happens. I want you to believe in me, because I'm tough, and that's why you chose me among the others. I'm your woman, Dave, and that same fact transforms me into a really wonderful lady. I wanna tell you that I will carry our love forever and that I won't ever be alone. I want you to listen to me and pay attention; you'll live forever in me; even after I'm gone. You'll still be here. You'll survive me and that makes me feel really happy. You don't have to worry, you are not gonna miss anything." She smiled at his tears and wiped them with her kisses as she regained her strength… "I want to tell you that you don't have to worry because I'll be taken care, and I'll be protected and loved by our baby. Your baby, Dave, who's living here," She squeezed his hand again and looked him in the eye. "I'm pregnant, Motek... we're gonna have a baby."

He couldn't utter a sound but started crying and smiling altogether.

Everything at once.

"Don't cry, please?" she said. "This is not sad. I love you, please, don't cry. You saved my life, Dave, you gave me your life, and I'll take care. You taught me everything. You taught me about life, about hope and the long journey ahead. You taught me about persistence and endurance and stubbornness … and miracles. I'll always be yours. If you can't stay, if you go, I'll miss you, but I know that our love is like the wind. And although I might not see you, I'll always be able to feel you and our love, enjoy it and enjoy you, through the eyes of our baby. With your last breath, Dave, you've been able to tell me how strong you are, the kind of man you are and how much you love me."

They wept in silence for a long time.

At first, Starsky was heartbroken and sad.

"_Was this fair?"_ He asked himself silently.

But after a while, he realized that nothing, nothing could change the course of things.

That perhaps, for that child the time began when his was expiring. He realized that that very fact did not have to lessen or ruin the bountifulness and fullness of it all, so he decided he would enjoy the sensation… the completeness. Enjoy and be grateful. After all, a part of him would remain. Some of the old Starsky would stay and would be new.

"Cary, listen. I can't say I'm happy, I can't say I'm sad either. I can only tell you that all my life I dreamed of having a child of my own and that you're the best mother that my child may have. Thank you. I promise. I promise that I'll make everything, all that's possible for me to hold on and survive. I'll give all I have, all my strength. I'll put my best only to meet the baby. I'll try Cary. I promise. I want. Is it too much to ask, God? To spare me until the moment I could cuddle my kid? Wanting for once, before leaving, to look into the eyes of my own beloved child?"

"My child… Oh My God! My dream will survive. Some of me shall be!"

He closed his smiling eyes, fantasizing with his baby's face.

**ACT 39 \- They haven't seen the last of me yet-**

It was hard.

The first time he went to the Police Station, he felt that he was out of it all already. He felt that all the stuff that was there still belonged to him, even though he was no longer. He wasn't. He was gone, and only his things had remained.

He entered Headquarters.

He noticed that everybody stayed stunned at the sight of his graceful gait, and they held their breaths. He made an effort to strut like always as if nothing was happening, just not to scare anybody. "_Damn! I ain't no ghost! For Christ's sake!"_ He thought.

He was still there; he was still alive! But he realized that even beautiful Dee O'Reilly, who liked to flirt with him usually, looked at him as if he was a psychedelic hologram. She didn't dare to talk to him. She just waved her hand hello.

Hence, he was there but felt like he wasn't. Everybody made him felt that way. As if he was out of place and out of time or watching a movie.

It was hard to go back, and it was even harder for him to leave, wondering if there would be a returning.

Babcock looked up from the files he was reading and saw him there. He was standing, motionless. Tall and dignified. He looked imposing and statuesque behind the swinging doors. However, he didn't dare to enter.

"Starsky!" The shorter man stood up and went on his quest.

Starsky was visibly excited. His appearance was that of someone who was still healthy. But all those who knew him well could realize that the swept by time neatly trimmed straight hair, as short as he wore it back in the '75, did not respond to regulations.

Neither to any yuppie new dress code.

His rebellious mass of hair, his legendary and indomitable curls, had been the first casualty. Regardless of everything, he looked still magnificent, and that was still good.

"Babcock, Simmons. Hello everybody!"

"Starsky, It's so good to see you coming here!" Simmons said excitedly too.

They were all visibly moved, just like him.

It had been more than four months since he had gone to the Police Station for the last time, and Starsky's presence was of those that does not go unnoticed, so neither was his absence.

"Dammit, Starsky! We miss you a bunch, man. All of us! I'm so happy that you came here." Simmons said, and everybody else thought.

"Well, as much as I'm happy to be here too. You don't know how much I miss all this."

Starsky looked around at the Squadron. Even the regulatory green in the customary walls looked cozy and was welcoming. He mirrored with his words his coworkers' thoughts, seemed that he had that uncanny ability lately, to listen to the other's thoughts.

The brunet was almost in tears.

He nodded.

While his left hand ran the confines of his old desk and before sitting, slumping indeed, in which had been his chair for so many years, he said reflexively. "Yeah, I miss this. Life sucks, isn't it? It can be so damn hard sometimes. It's weird!" he mused.

"It's not weird, buddy. I think that in most cases like yours and most of the time is illegitimate and unmerited." Babcock added, without saying anything else.

Roger Babcock was outraged with everything which was happening; he couldn't accept it. He had met Starsky at the Academy many years ago. They had gone together, and he was so fond of the man that he was infuriated about everything that was happening, and Starsky realized, so he shared a little smile with him in sympathy.

"Well, let's just say that it's unfair, okay? Sometimes." Starsky comforted him, and Babcock bowed his head nodding. The brunet patted him on the shoulder and squeezed him while suddenly his face lit up and said. "However, life can be beautiful too, Roger. You know I'm gonna have a baby?" Starsky smiled peacefully.

Everybody hugged him and congratulated him. They knew.

"Anyway, it is not just the baby who makes me think that life can be beautiful, you know? I can tell you that in the midst of all this adversity, is still amazing to realize that no matter what, you can always acquire the ability to enjoy the small things in life. Even sometimes clings to those few things when you're having these hard and sad moments is inspiring and heartwarming." They were all in a stern silence while he continued saying reflexively. "Those things that are taken for granted. Things that you believe that are safely given before everything goes wrong, and suddenly when everything falls apart, fall short and seem impossible. Those tiny little things," He gestured with his fingers and squinted, "are so important, so essential. The problem is that you don't realize, until the time when you lose them, like this", and he snapped his fingers.

All were silent, carefully observing each of their slow movements. They barely understood his contemplative quietness.

Starsky was in no hurry lately...

He was different, even unnatural and unrecognizable from his previous self and there was no easy way to understand why this had happened to a man like him and what was what he was saying. He hadn't lost his charm, but that swirl of a man he used to be, had gone missing though he was still there, and he was still special. They all realized that he was saying goodbye, and they all knew that the reason for his lassitude and his slowness was that he wanted to stay, needed to stay. He wanted to be delayed in his departure because he didn't mean to leave. He didn't wish to get to the end since there were still many things he wanted to give.

"You're pensive, Starsky, and thoughtful," Simmons said, almost broken.

"Never too late, Pete! This is a new Starsky!" he laughed "you haven't seen the last of me yet!" He winked, and they all laughed.

Starsky had always been kind and affable, and he was afraid that all of him would be buried underneath the oblivion.

Most of his friends were afraid of the same.

To forget Starsky would be very sad.

Unthinkable.

Anyway, although it was evident that nobody could understand the full depth of what he was experiencing, they could all realize that they were all saying goodbye. And they knew that as generously as always, he was trying to give them the last pieces of him. He had gone to the Precinct for that purpose, so he decided to put in simple words his feelings, what he was saying and make them understand.

"The little stuff, you said. What kind of simple things? Nothing's that simple, Starsky." Babcock said.

"Simple? Oh yeah! Many things are, like Monday mornings and such things. Simple things, you dig?" The brunet nodded seeking for comprehension but nobody understood, and he realized that they were still at a loss.

"What about Monday mornings, Starsky?" Babcock came asking.

He laughed. "Nothing about mornings, I mean... When I was wholesome and healthy, and I was with Hutch enjoying our free time together in the weekends, or with a chick... I hated when it was late at night. I knew it meant that my own time was already over; that I had to go to bed and that the next day I should have to get up earlier to come here. Although I loved being here… I was never a morning person you know, so I just hated it. Now my free time's night might as well be any day of the week for me, I have no early mornings." He made a face, chuckled and opened his arms shrugging, "I would never complain about waking up earlier again if I could be here."

He looked all around and filled his lungs.

Simple things.

"I miss this, and you. I'm at home; I can stay late in bed, and I have already read all the books of trivia and magazines I wanted to and believe me it's not funny! I wanna be here." He smiled and sighed.

They all stayed silent.

Starsky had gone to the Precinct because he wanted everybody to know that there weren't the major issues in life what someone misses in times like those. That the things that he craved, under his circumstances, the most important things that he missed, were those down to earth moments, those everyday situations, those little things that he had already lost. The remoteness of reality was what frightened him the most, and that was what he wanted to explain to his friends.

That was what he wanted his legacy to be.

To enjoy the little things in life. The little things that life was made of. "Please. You guys, don't let the long stakeouts and all the bureaucratic reports and admin politics at work get you down. This morning, when I drove Cary to Memorial to see her doctor and to check on me, I saw all the kids that were waiting for their school buses, and I realized that it was Monday morning. And it hit me bad. If it had not been for that, I might haven't ever noticed, and that's very sad. It shocked me." He sighed at the absurdity and smallness of it all, and couldn't hide his sadness anymore, "I realized that I miss them. I - I miss complaining about waking up early on Monday's morning actually!" He shook his head, disbelieving but then he smiled, "You don't realize how a typical busy workday's a beautiful thing, indeed!" he shrugged.

"Starsky…" Simmons said, stricken and patted him on the shoulder, reassuring him. They were all thrilled with Starsky's pure authenticity and the depth of his words. He was talking to his little intimate audience, like always, with his heart in his hands.

"Tempus fugit," Starsky said and took a deep breath. "Yeah. Mornings and the end of October already. Damn! That also shocked me. I keep thinking we're still at mid-August. Who would have thought? But hey, that's all right, right? Nobody owns the time, and I can't stop it either ." He shrugged and raised the eyebrows, useless.

The air was thick enough, and he decided it was about time to change the subject. He didn't want to make his friends sad; that hadn't been his purpose. Not at all.

"By the way, where's Hutch? And Dobey?" he changed the topic of the conversation instantly.

"Well, I think they're at the DA's office, they were preparing the last details of Parry's trial... Oh, excuse me, I shouldn't have reminded you of Parry." Simmons said regretfully. He felt sorry for having brought to a warm time they were having such a painful memory.

"No, it's okay. Parry can go to hell! Nothing that he's done to me could have affected me any longer than I was already ruined" Starsky laughed at his irony.

"This means that you've come to terms with what happened? That you're gonna testify against him?" Simmons asked, feeling sorry yet.

"Oh yeah, I did!" He winked his eyes to the distraught man comforting him "and, of course. I'm gonna do it; I'm gonna testify."

"Yes, yes!" Babcock shook his head proudly. "I knew that you would do it. I knew you'd be eager to testify against him. You shouldn't see the time to do that. You have guts Starsky, and I admire you. I always did. You've always been very brave. I bet there isn't anything else in the whole world that you wanna do more than that."

Starsky laughed and nodded.

It was unbelievable how the perspective of a human being could change in the blink of an eye, so, he smiled tenderly at the vacuity of Babcock's words and the other man realized. "Oh, I'm Sorry Starsky I'm stupid."

"Naw. There's nothing to be sorry about, much less to forgive," he said.

It was true that, before sickness and cancer, there would have been nothing more important to do in the world than testify against the sick pervert murderer. Before... As for now, like with everything else, he knew, there were much more things that he'd like to do before the whole thing was over, and his life calls it a day. He sighed and winked at Babcock who immediately understood. "Don't you feel guilty, I cannot blame anyone for it." The brunet raised his eyebrows again with a gesture of resignation and melancholy and opened his arms.

"No please, I'm really sorry."

"Come on! It's okay, Babs; you shouldn't. Trust me I'm used to." he started to stand up and was about to sit with his usual bouncing over the desk when he heard it; his partner's voice.

"Starsk?"

Hutch talked excitedly to his back, suddenly. So the brunet turned around and saw his partner who had just entered the Squadron and was happy and surprised to see his dear friend standing there. The blond-haired detective was speechless and very emotional. "_Damn! It feels awfully good!"_ Hutch thought. But then it was too very hard, very touching to see Starsky there like in the good old days.

"Hutch!"

They shared an immense loving and fraternal hug, nourished by thousands of hugs they had shared before through the years, in that very same place where they belonged. All their previous hugs merged into this latter one; it was just an embrace that the blond could not help but break with.

They all broke.

"Come on, buddy!" Starsky said when they separated trying to comfort him. "We're here now. We're still together, and everything's fine," he looked straight into Hutch's eyes trying to calm him "Now it's all right, okay?"

Hutch nodded, wiping snot with the cuffs of his shirt like a little toddler. Starsky was right. "Okay," the blond nodded, understanding and composed "so what are you doing over here?"

"I took Cary to Memorial for the monthly baby's checkup... and I checked my cells and platelets, too," he grimaced, "for tomorrow, you know..."

"And, what? Is everything okay?"

"Swell! Cary's fine, I'm all right, and the baby is perfect, growing wonderfully well," he smiled a sweet, dreamy smile, "but you wanna know something…?" he shook his head in disbelief "the most ironic thing about everything 's that..." he bit his lip and sighed. "Hutch? You wanna know when the due date is?" Hutch raised his eyebrows, and Starsky said, flabbergasted, "May 15th."

The brunet moved his head unable to believe the twists of fate.

"May 15th," Hutch said aloud thinking in silence about everything that that day meant to them but above all things he wondered if Starsky would be able to see his baby on May 15.

"Yeah, nothing more and nothing less. Well, who says that finally that day, if the baby's born in term changes the meaning of what it represents for all of us, doesn't it?"

Starsky raised his eyebrows and frowned.

The medical board had already established, recently, that cancer that grew in Starsky's chest like a killer was work-related, courtesy of Gunther's gunfire of four years ago.

"I'm so glad, my friend, so happy that everything's going well." Hutch patted Starsky on his shoulder. "And where is beautiful Cary, by the way?"

"Well, she met with a couple friends at Memorial and some ex-co-workers who invited her to stay, go out and eat something. You know, have a few drinks at the end of their hospital shift. And it seemed to be a good idea to me that she can get a little distracted of... me," he grimaced. "Besides, since I'm feeling this good today I thought that I could visit here someday, couldn't I? I mean, I've never been to Metro after…" he shrugged.

Still, Hutch couldn't regain the ability to talk. He felt very moved. "You know I'm driving? I brought my little Camaro princess here, you didn't see her at the front door? At the usual parking spot for Starsky?" he said using the third person. Starsky tried to lighten things a bit and smiled at the memory of the Torino always parked there, "No one asked me anything, and I just left her there!" he winked at Hutch.

"Hey, are you driving? That's good and, of course, nobody would have told you anything, Starsky! What else? You belong to this place, Starsk!"

That was the reason Hutch didn't want to talk.

He knew that the first time he said something he would get emotional. But then, he overcame the sadness and continued talking, "Well, anyway, it's really great news that you're driving, and I'm glad that you came. I'm a helluva lot happy you're here Starsk and especially that you're feeling okay." Hutch finished, quietly and Starsky nodded.

"Yeah, pretty good indeed. Well, until tomorrow..." The brunet shrugged, "That's why I thought about coming down here today and since Cary's coming home late, invite you to go to Huggy's. Maybe? It's been centuries, hasn't it? Can you? We going?" The curly-haired man sighed deeply, Hutch also knew that next day he'll have the fifth rendezvous with Cisplatin.

"Of course, I can. Of course, I'm going, but just on one condition." Hutch said.

"On one condition? Which one?"

"You drive. I want you to take me there. I'm riding shotgun, and you're gonna drive your car…" Hutch winced at his words.

Starsky stayed silent, but he almost broke in tears too. "_How many hours had they spent together inside his car?"._

That was the way it had always been. He nodded, thrilled by Hutch's proposal.

"Starsky!"

Minnie's excited and adorable voice suddenly sounded and, fortunately, helped to break the spell too. She was quite happy to see Starsky as she had always been.

"Hey, good-lookin'? What are you doing here? How come you came?" she asked him.

"Well, Minnie," Starsky said gravely, "today's October 31st, you forgot it? They let us out!"

"What?" she asked him intrigued.

"We, the zombies I mean, we'll take over the streets today." He made a spooky gesture opening his arms and eyes and started singing Michael Jackson's song Thriller, "You remember?" And he began to laugh aloud.

She seemed not to understand. "What?" she asked him again.

"Oh, Minnie! I'm kinda dead!"

Though the joke was black humor, Starsky just couldn't help it.

"Starsky, you're mean! Oh, I don't like those jokes!" she was pouting, and he embraced her, laughing.

"Minnie come on! You let me. This is one of the things I much miss; I liked to share this banter, these jokes with you. I've already lost an awful lot, Minnie, so, please?" He begged her, but she was excited, so started whining. "Oh no, Minnie come, c'mere. Don't cry over me, come on. Please?" Starsky hugged her lovingly.

"Well, well well..."

Dobey was entering the Squad Room when Starsky was still comforting Minnie. "Starsky...! It's good you're here son, and Minnie, leave the boy be, the man's seriously committed and soon to be a father." Dobey gave that paternal smile of his, to his friend and hugged him, "How are you doing?"

"Hi Cap'n, I'm okay. I'm doing fine. I - I had to gather the courage to return here someday, anytime before, you know…" he winked.

"You're always here, Starsk. You'll never leave this place. Here." Hutch said, looking around and putting his hand on his heart. "You belong here, buddy."

Sometimes Hutch wondered if it was good to be sentimental, but then he thought better. One of the things that Starsky had taught him over all their years together was to be opened and warm, affectionate and demonstrative and let his emotions run freely and express his feelings. "_So why bottle those feelings up just now?"_

They continued chatting, long conversation in the Squadroom, remembering old anecdotes and the funniest of moments, until 3.45 PM. The time that Starsky said that he had to go to the Cafeteria because he needed to eat something with his 4 pm pills.

"Okay, I'm going with you, but first, I have to end this report here. Cap?" Hutch asked trying to con his Captain to let him go, but Dobey grimaced.

"I'm sorry Hutch, you have to finish it first." No matter what, he needed the report.

"Okay, no problem. I'll catch up with you later, Hutch. Now you finish your report. I'll be back in half an hour, all right?" Starsky said understandingly.

********************S&H***********************

Starsky was happy to be there, he felt at ease and, above all, at home. He was in his element. He had always been able to hover slightly around Metro; he had always loved to do it before. He had always done it.

Now he could be like a Ghost since he felt that he was already invisible, and he could say goodbye to every each of its corners. Just in case.

He could also meet old friends, maybe for the last time since he felt there would never be a coming back.

He left the squadron, and since he could not afford to use the stairs as he had always done, he took the elevator to the mezzanine floor where the cafeteria was.

He stayed waiting for the elevator, just thinking, lost in the sounds and the smells of the place.

He entered the cart.

Each place has a particular smell; each place has a distinct sound. He had recently discovered that quality about many places and the Precinct was no exception.

The unique mixture of ink, gunpowder, dust, and coffee and the wail of the radios and typewriters, undoubtedly, were the smells and sounds that had defined his life as a police officer.

The sounds and smells of Metro, those were the sounds and smells of his life indeed.

Thus, when the cart stopped, and its doors opened on the Cafeteria's level, he was intensely excited. He felt that he had to face the life that was going on out there and face his last moments as a cop, and it hurt him a lot. He took the time to gather his strength before getting out of the elevator. When he decided to do it, unexpectedly, he ran into Meredith, who was distractedly walking with a pile of files in her hands.

Seeing Starsky, all papers flew through the air.

"Blue eyes!"

She was mesmerized; she never thought she could see him again.

He smiled at the monicker only she used. "Hello, Meredith."

She stayed for a long time looking at him in his eyes, and he corresponded remembering other times, before everything, an era away. She froze, nervously, until she felt stronger enough, and her voice returned and with all her force she hugged him. "Starsky!"

"Hey," he said in just a whisper. Although he knew how she felt about him, he got surprised.

"What? What happened? Did I hurt you?" she said alarmed.

"Meredith... I'm not made of china, no, no. You didn't hurt me."

She blushed.

He smiled.

Sometimes she felt foolish when Starsky was around her. It was so obvious that she had never stopped loving him; that she was smitten with him. Added to it everything that was happening, and go figure, she felt even worse. "I'm sorry, I - I thought that I had hurt you.", she said perturbed.

"You didn't!" He winked mischievously, the kind of covert glance he reserved for her, and she laughed nervously.

Meredith could not help it, to feel attracted to this gorgeous man who couldn't cease to be seductive with her, too. It was in Starsky's nature. It was not voluntary, neither a deliberate act on his behalf, as Caroline had said. It was something that came with his territory, something natural to him since he was seductive as hell even without intent. Meredith couldn't help but fall in love with him again and again; every time she saw him, since the very first time she had met him.

"You never hurt me, Meredith" she heard him say, vaguely

"Wouldn't do it for the world," she answered.

She smiled and stroked his face with the promise of redemption she always had kept safe for him.

The woman could forgive him everything, even that he couldn't love her.

"I still remember, Starsky that your primary concern's your beautiful body. It is mine too, to keep you safe, partner. Still is the most important thing for me after all these years, blue eyes. You and Sinatra."

He smiled, flattered, and she smiled at the memory. She could remember him, vividly, driving the striped tomato into the park. "_How could I ever forget?"_ She also remembered him, sitting inside her car, his stunning looks and looking at her, sexily, from the top of his sunglasses. Flashbacks. "I want you to breathe, Starsky. In and out, remember?"

He giggled sadly recalling their first conversation, the first time when they were assigned as partners four years ago, and she smiled that sparkling white smile of hers too.

The here and now of her old words was overwhelming. The only thing she cared about was that he could keep breathing. For him to be alive, was the most important thing for her.

"If you wanna be promoted, dear; if you want to succeed, you better outdo yourself this time, Meredith." He smiled, shook his head and ended saying sarcastically. "You and your challenging assignments."

He grimaced, and she looked at him in disguise of the real meaning of their words; trying not to push too hard on the issue. However, it was no use, the cancer was there, lingering, and she broke and then she got serious and worried and said.

"How are you? I'm telling you, seriously. I'm urging you to keep breathing, David; you listen? Tell me, how do you feel?"

"Meredith, hey," He said softly and closed his eyes. He shook his head, he didn't want to talk to her about cancer, didn't feel like talking to her about it.

"Hey yourself, Sergeant. Tell me, please. Are you okay? You're back? It's so good to see you." She said full of hope.

He laughed thrilled. "No. I'm not," and then, he sighed. "I'm sorry," He hurt.

Meredith stayed speechless.

So they were, for a long time.

The truth was that, in fact, she had refused, stubbornly to accept the news about him.

Until the day she had met Minnie in the Precinct's Hallways, by chance. The day that she had told Meredith, that Starsky was missing and what was going on; that the brunet was sick and that he was dying.

Until that day, she had been in denial.

She had insisted that it couldn't be, until the moment that she had come to terms with his diagnosis. Until the time when, after Parry, she realized that maybe, she might never see him alive again.

"You know, I thought several times to go to the Hospital or your place to see you but…" She bowed her head. "I didn't wanna bother you or your girl, make her feel uncomfortable. So please, now that you're here I wanna tell you. I…" she thought about telling him that she still loved him, then didn't, "Don't go anywhere, please. Stay. Please?"

He nodded, like a little kid and when he started to talk, she interrupted him, in a loving way, putting her fingers over his mouth. He opened his eyes to her, quietly. She wanted to kiss him and shush him, right there, she realized it was not fair to deprive herself of doing it. To lose perhaps the last chance she would have to tell the man who had loved most in her life, what he really meant to her. She wanted to tell him how much she still loved him, and so she did and kissed him.

Starsky's surprised look took a long time to leave his face.

"I never stopped loving you, Blue Eyes."

She blushed ashamed, thrilled at the man in front of her and bowed her head, and he smiled, a little bit embarrassed too.

"Oh Meredith, come on." He caressed her with exquisite tenderness and searched for her glance, raised her jaw "Come here!" and Starsky hugged her.

"I was scared I wouldn't have the chance to tell you how much, David," she said.

"You did, but then, you could've come to see me, anytime... or you were planning to come with a sign saying that four years ago we'd made love, huh?" He said quietly and sweetly.

She knew that she had been just that to him, and it still hurt.

For her, their brief moments together had meant a whole lot more than that, than a few nights of love. But then Kira, Gunther, and everything else destroyed a love that she felt should have lasted years.

"Well, I know that you're dating, that you're gonna have a baby. I didn't want to disturb you."

He stayed, silent and also excited because of her lovely attitude. "I know, but Caroline doesn't know everything about my past, nor do I owe her anything about it. It all comes to the present and, well... my short future. I have no regrets about the things I've done before, of none of them. Neither have I had to hide them to anyone and you…" he made a heartfelt pause, feeling indeed how much he meant to her and trying not to hurt her, "you're among the most beautiful things that I've ever done." Starsky kissed her on her cheek, tenderly.

She hugged him. She couldn't talk; this beautiful and flawless man and the moment itself were poignant. She ran her hands over his face and asked him again. She needed to confirm it. "But is it true? What they say here at the Precinct about you. How long, David?"

"Well, I guess that the reports of my death are greatly exaggerated" he smiled at the Mark Twain quotation. "Babe, I'm telling everybody here today that you haven't heard the last of me so don't count me out just yet. I'm still here, and I'm still okay. I'm fighting. I'm doing reasonably good with the chemo and all." He closed his eyes and sighed, "I admit that this whole thing has been much unexpected and still is very challenging, but neither have I had any choice, at least not for now." He lost his sight out of her face, "In the future, perhaps...", he shrugged and felt sad, "In the future, I don't know."

"What do you mean in the future, will you have a choice in the future?"

"Well, about the chemo, yes, I'll have. I mean that if the chemo gets worse…" he sighed deeply, "if the whole thing keeps getting more and more bloody and painful, I can always decide not to take it anymore. And stop it. But you know, honey, I should be brave to make that decision. It's not an easy one to make." he shrugged and grimaced.

"And if you make that decision, what would that mean?" she asked frightened.

He snorted, he didn't want to talk about such things, but then, he was not going to lie to her, "That my time will come sooner than expected," he said bluntly.

She was heartbroken, and a tear streamed down her face, so she asked him "When?"

"When?" He chuckled, "February, May. Tomorrow? Any day now, every day. Who knows?" He sighed. "You know that sometimes chemo can be like dying a little; you die slowly every time you're being pumped full with those drugs. It's pretty cruel and painful and even obnoxious, but you should be very brave to make the decision to stop it, to end the treatment. Its ending comes with the big one, usually." He smiled, and she was disheartened. "You know the saying?" He kept spoken. "Cowards die many times, and that's what those drugs mean, to die a little, every day, every dose... so, I'm a coward, ain't brave enough to stop it! I'll have my 8th round of chemo tomorrow and..." he lost his sight again and took a deep breath. "I'll do it though it's killing me because this drug's a killer, Meredith, believe me." He sounded so defeated; she couldn't help but run her hand over his face.

"Oh, I wish I could help you. Help you feel better, help you skip the chemo," she said motherly, and Starsky smiled.

"Thanks, yeah I know. Everybody wants to help me, and I don't wanna go through it again, either, but I'll keep doing it. I have to do it. I'll do it for the baby and Caroline and Hutch. Even for everybody else, but I'm scared because I feel like... I can't take it anymore. My body can't take it anymore, and I know that sooner or later I'm gonna have to tell them. Or worst, they're gonna find out that I just," he shook his head, "just can't take it anymore. I wanna quit, Meredith, but nobody wants me to quit." He grimaced.

"Hey, you shouldn't stop chemo. Now you've got something else to look forward to, don't give up David, please?" she said, thinking about the baby.

"Yes, and that's exactly what makes me feel even sadder." He shook his head.

"The baby?"

"I'm afraid I won't make it until..., I know."

"You think that you are not gonna see your child?"

"Ain't gonna see the baby." He shook his head.

"Oh, David, I'm sorry, but why? Why do you think so?"

"I don't know; I just feel it. I'm scared."

She was in tears; she had never seen Starsky in such a weak and vulnerable position before. She didn't understand why or how this was happening to him. "I wish I could help you," she said.

He hugged her and gave her a kiss.

"You did. Thanks for listening, Meredith. I'm at peace that I've met you... It made me feel good. Maybe these things that I've said, I mean, I never said these things before to anybody and it helped me. Thank you. I have to go now." He looked at his watch; it was a quarter past four.

"I'll always love you, David. I wish that that would be enough to save you."

He smiled at her. "You did good, Meredith, you did good, always did." He smiled again at her and gave her a last kiss.

They continued talking a little until it was time for Starsky to go; he couldn't skip his schedule with the medicines anymore.

"See ya, blue eyes."

"See ya." He smiled; he felt very moved.

That was the last time Meredith saw him.

********************S&H***********************

"How do you feel?" Hutch realized that something was different about his friend and he worried. "Hey, buddy, what happened, Starsk? You look different. Something wrong?"

They were just getting into Starsky's Camaro, after leaving Metro, and although they hadn't talked about it, the same doubts were lingering in the air.

What if this time would be final. What if this was going to be their last time together in the Precinct?

Starsky was so visibly disturbed that Hutch was worried.

"Nah, it's nothing. I'm okay. I've just met with Meredith; that's all. I feel like, I ain't gonna see her again. I Dunno." He smiled feeling sorry for himself.

Hutch bowed his head, speechless.

"I think I'm sad, Hutch. I'm sorry I've ruined this moment, but now I'm sorrowful. I have these switches in my moods." Starsky was just sat at the wheel without starting the engine.

"Starsk, hey buddy? Come on, I understand, it's okay." Hutch patted him on the shoulder, the brunet's depressed mood was visible. "You know that you can come back here anytime, uh?" Hutch offered.

"No. I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because it hurts a lot."

"Starsky, please?"

"Because I can tell now that this is true, that this is happening, Hutch." Starsky turned his head to his partner's side. "That I won't ever be a cop again. Never. I'll never work and run the streets, and make a bust. I'll never get back here, never be back again to the Precinct." Starsky sighed a very dark and painful sigh. "I feel I'm dying because I have no more strength. I have no control over my illness, over my body, over my feelings… what I wanna do, what I don't. I know that I'll feel like crap tomorrow after the chemo, and I can't stop it! I'm tired Hutch. I'm so damn tired…" The brunet closed his eyes and swallowed the big lump that dwelled since so long ago in his throat. "I'm sorry, but sometimes I feel, neither have the energy to put a front, and this is just one of those times, Hutch. I'm sorry." He smiled shyly at his friend and asked for his forgiveness with his eyes. Hutch was just there, sitting silently in the seat beside him and full of tears.

"You don't need to put a front with me, Starsk. I love you, in any mood, under whatever circumstance you are, and that's all that I can say. I understand that you are tired, that this has been too much. You don't have to ask me for forgiveness. I don't wanna pressure but, I can't help saying that I want you to keep fighting this. You've always done it before, so why not this time? I wanna help you; I'll always be by your side, whatever you need, I'd give it to you. I love you Starsk, and I hope that you can keep walking beside me even closer than you have already been and for a longer, the longest of times ahead and I don't want you to give up because I need you. I understand that it is selfish to say, but I need you, you must know that, without you, there's no me." He shrugged, "So please, hold on, Starsk, please?"

Starsky nodded. "_No pressure…"_ he thought.

Everyone was asking him to stay, and he couldn't satisfy that requirement. Seemed like, nobody understood how tired he was, that he had given everything he had to recover.

Nobody knew. He felt that everybody was expecting him to keep fighting; that's why since he had still this little force in him, he decided he would try to do it again, one last time. Though he felt broken and dead and was barely holding on, he would try to do it.

One more time. He knew that there was still 'something' substantial, somewhere inside him, which was what helped him moving. And that 'something' was the love that lived inside him, for Hutch and Cary and the baby to come and everybody else. For life itself and, above all, for his life. Those were his assets. That was his living force. He owed that to his best friend and everybody else who loved him for that matter. "I know, Hutch. It's okay, I promise I'm gonna try. I've been around for some time… it makes me believe that you like me, that everybody really likes me. I won't disappoint you now." he chuckled while started the engine.

Hutch looked out through the car window, to hide his tears. He could feel the immense effort that his friend was doing; the length of what Starsky was going to undertake, just to fulfill his desire and not give up, and he felt very guilty and sorry about it though just couldn't help it. "_Don't ask me to stop begging you to fight this, Starsk, please. I'm not that strong. I'm the one who should ask for your forgiveness"_, Hutch thought.

Starsky wasn't the only one who was dying; their partnership was dying, their last ride together too, and an era was coming to its end.

It was way too painful to endure.

The blue Californian sky was starting to fade because the afternoon's moon was killing the sun. The evening was coming, with his black mantle, and the sparkling stars that darkened everything quickly turned on the street's lights.

Starsky would ride his car, with his buddy riding shotgun maybe for this last time, until the next day. The next day would bring the light again, and with it a new challenge for him, perhaps the last batch of chemo, he hoped that.

Hutch felt that he had the certainty that tomorrow, they would still be together, and that was good enough.

The brunet looked at his friend's side, put his right hand on his left knee; Hutch turned his head off of the window and smiled at him, looked like he had been listening.

They spent together the best night they had enjoyed lately in that unforgettable autumn evening, still warm. The two friends took pleasure from each other's company; they forgot about cancer, and they benefited from the chance to enjoy themselves mutually with no intruders in the middle.

Next day, Starsky would be in Hell again, and without Hutch.

********************S&H***********************

On Thursday, November 3rd, Murray and Dr. Garrahan finished the third day of the fifth round with the Cisplatin. His 8th round of chemo all in all.

He had been pretty well after the first three batches in Hope, which were Hutch's first experience with chemo. And though they figured out that the seventh and eighth were going to be harder, nobody expected the last one to be so bad. It had made him feel so sick that he felt weaker than a newborn baby.

"What can we do, Doctor?" Hutch asked the doctor in his Office at Memorial when they were waiting for Starsky. He was going to be discharged. "I'm enraged. I mean three days ago we've been together; he'd driven his car like he always did. We enjoyed ourselves at The Pits and even at the Station although he was shocked and sad, he was okay. He even looked healthy, and now…" He shook his head, "I mean, seeing the effects of the drugs all over him today, I can see what quality of life means undoubtedly. I can understand why he hates having his body so pumped full of toxins." Hutch asked, genuinely worried.

He also felt guilty.

In fact, this last round had almost floored Starsky and all of them. It had been terrible.

"These drugs are very hateful and frustrating, indeed. Did he tell you that he's hesitating in keep doing the chemo?" Murray said out of nowhere.

"What? No, he didn't!" Hutch said, full of anguish; he feared that as his body, which was overwhelmed by the sickness, the drugs were overwhelming Starsky.

"I thought you knew. You talk as if you already knew." the doctor said, surprised.

"Well, that's the way it is all the time. That's what usually happens between him and me, but he didn't tell me he was thinking anything about it!" Hutch said heartbrokenly.

"He didn't? Well, I'm sorry I came forward and broke the news like this, then; however, I must say that he's already talked to me about such a possibility."

"What possibility?" Hutch asked the dreaded question he didn't want to hear either.

"To stop chemo. There's a possibility he decides to quit, and he's got the right to do it. We'll see to it at our next appointment on the 7th of November."

Hutch didn't say anything further.

********************S&H***********************

On Monday 7 November, Starsky, Hutch, and Caroline went to review the CT scans with the Consultant at Hope.

"Well, we made the CT scans. We looked at the ones that we'd taken four days ago, and the ones that were made two weeks before, during the fourth round with Cisplatin. We compared them to the first ones made in mid-June when you were diagnosed. Until Cisplatin, it was incredibly scary to see how fast the tumors had spread to your lungs. The first fortnight of August, we were amazed that you could still be breathing, in fact. The damage had been devastating and terminal indeed and to see the visual images and progress of the illness in your lungs, hit us all …"

"So?" Hutch asked hurriedly.

"Somehow this last drug seemed to have slowed the progress of the tumors. Even one of them has shrunk a bit. So, despite how you feel David, our best approach is that you should continue chemo."

Starsky looked back at Murray with puppy eyes; he was devastated.

Hutch felt remarkably optimistic at the outcome he didn't expect to hear, and it showed. He asked the doctors. "So it worked? You mean if he takes more doses he'll go into remission?"

"No, I didn't say that. I only said what I just said. Cisplatin might have seemingly slowed down the progress, and it shrank one tumor so... we would like to give you another round to see what happens".

After that, all the weight of the world seemed to have been deposited upon Hutch's shoulders. And Starsky seemed to have realized, so as always and without even being able to alter one bit the deep despair that his face showed, he said, obediently "It's okay, John."

His doctor looked back at him. He had long talked with his patient, and his response took him by surprise. He made a heartfelt pause. John gave the brunet the most caring glance they had ever seen. He also liked Starsky. The doctor knew what he was asking his patient to endure, and what he was going to accept out of love, so the oncologist bitterly added, "But, we know that it's not okay."

Everybody was shocked by his honesty.

No truer words were spoken.

The news had been good and bad.

While they were going back to the Beach House, on November 7, they were silent, the three of them. Hutch was driving, with Caroline beside him, bent in pain and crying.

Starsky was so exhausted that he hadn't realized that she was so emotionally overwhelmed and broken. At first, he lingered in the car until he lied down in the back seat and fell asleep; this time, the aftermath of the drugs had been outrageously hard for him. When they arrived at the house, Hutch had to carry Starsky in his arms inside and put him in bed; he was so weak that he couldn't walk. Every ten minutes Hutch stood at the door frame in Starsky's room to finding him sleeping.

Four hours later, Starsky awoke.

The blond decided that it would be good for Starsky, to go outside to walk to the beach, and he asked his buddy if he wanted to get up and go with him. For a few minutes. That it could make him feel better.

Starsky didn't want to. In fact, he couldn't.

Even Hutch didn't seem to get him moving.

Hutch could say that he was not trying, that this eighth batch of chemotherapy had been devastating. He was devastated, "and he was not trying, damn!"

Hutch wanted to escape.

Although Starsky's and everybody else's expectations to end the chemo were broken, they had told them that, somehow, there had been little progress.

But today they had also found out that the future would only bring more pain and more chemo. More suffering and illness were waiting, despite the short time that lay ahead, which would be chemo-free, to let the body regain his strength.

If only they could know that the harassment would free him from the monster.

It had been a peaceful day until these new images started haunting Hutch, and he wasn't sure where to start.

In a few days, the nightmare was going to begin again.

********************S&H***********************

Since the end of the last round, Starsky didn't seem to get better. Indeed, he was getting worse. The dose had been increased, and it appeared that it had been too much.

The dark-haired man could barely walk, and Hutch felt sad to see a big 40-years-old, vigorous and tough guy becoming in someone feeble. He hadn't been able to recover since the last batch, and the news he had received had made everything even worse.

Though they had partially halted the disease with the chemo, they couldn't enjoy it since he was fragile, and there wasn't anything to celebrate.

He had to use the wheelchair to go to the bathroom.

He didn't feel like eating because he didn't want to feel ill. He had lost his appetite.

Everybody warned Starsky about his lack of food because it was very dangerous.

He needed fluids too. Also, they remembered the time he became dehydrated, and they told him that he couldn't indulge himself in such possibility again.

However, Starsky was draining.

It was getting harder and harder to watch what was happening with him; harder to wait for the next CT Scan to bring the good news that seemed could never bring.

The doctors said that it was all right, that his body was fighting.

That the dose was very high.

That the drugs were potent.

Horribly powerful.

Words.

Sometimes, everybody felt that they wanted to be ostriches to dig their heads in the earth and make it all go away but neither that was going to happen.

They had no way out.

Hutch realized that he felt agitated and angry sometimes; useless and helpless. Other times he was very lost; then, he felt okay and other times he looked forward and saw a future with no Starsky in it… and he really hurt just thinking about it; everything was pitch black.

Sometimes Hutch doubted that he could get through it unscathed.

Sometimes he doubted he could.

"Hug? I'm at home. Will you come over here?"

********************S&H***********************

It was 10 PM on a Tuesday; the 8th November. Usually, at that time in the evening, Hutch was at Starsky's home. That night he wasn't, since his buddy was very ill, and he entered his bedroom and never woke up.

Caroline said that that was okay, that they should wait until Thursday, even Friday for the side effects to subside, but Hutch couldn't stand it. It had been five days since the end of the last batch, and nothing had changed.

He left the somehow oppressive Beach House for him, at some time during the afternoon.

"Something's wrong, Hutchie?" Huggy asked concernedly.

"I am."

Half an hour later, Huggy arrived at Venice Place. When Hutch opened the door, the blond hugged him. He was barely sober. The bottle of Jim Beam was his only company lately.

"What about your best friend," Huggy asked him and looked at the bottle.

"My best friend's dying," Hutch said.

"Oh, come on Hutch! Stop this! You put yourself into this destruction mode. We have to wait! Give it time! Starsky needs you, man." Huggy was flustered.

Their whole world was falling to pieces.

They curled each other into a tight hug, sobbing.

"Come on, Goldilocks! Be strong and keep the faith."

"I wish I could. You know, Hug when I found out that Starsky was sick and had Lung Cancer and that he hid it from me I was outraged. Then I moved on and forgave him and even all of you, and started to help him. I couldn't indulge myself in resentment or revenge, I didn't have the time, so I get involved in the treatment and focused on him, only; I went to his medical appointments and the chemo…"

"I know that, so what's happening now?"

"They want him to continue chemo. They didn't give us any guarantee, but they said that somehow, the drug's shrunk one tumor. That's why they're gonna increase the dose, or change the medication or keep one of'em. Shit, I don't know... only I know that they're gonna try something different, but still chemo."

"And what's wrong with it?," Huggy didn't understand, at least, Hutch's words "seems like the treatment's begun having some effect."

"But they are asking him for giving even more, and I don't know if he's got something more in him to give."

"He's gonna give everything, Hutch. Starsky's tough."

"But he's tired. We're tired. We - he can't take it anymore. I know." the blond-haired man perceived it.

"Did he tell you?"

"No, not exactly. But I can feel it, and I'm afraid that he's gonna quit. During the nights, just after bedtime, when I stop and think, that's the moment when I feel very overwhelmed and scared that I'm gonna lose him. I believe that he can't take it anymore. I only know it. He's just tired in every sense, and so I am."

"You have to keep moving on and help him too. Pretend that everything will be okay."

"I try. The work makes my days easier, I mean I'm pretty good during working hours. There are lots of things I need to do for Starsk and me, and I focus on them. Each day I go through the motions; I try to keep my training, for example… my exercise makes me feel good but in the nights... It's during the night that I falter. I feel alone..."

"You can call me anytime, Hutch, or you can pray… sometimes it also helps."

"I have never been a very religious man; at the time of Gunther when I felt so devastated, I prayed endlessly to get him back, and it worked. That was the first time. The last one was in Rosh Hashanah. I went to the Synagogue, but nothing's enough. The work has hardened me except when it comes to Starsky. He's my source of energy, and I can't help but wonder what will happen to me when his light doesn't enlighten me anymore. I think I would feel like an emotional orphan."

"You'll see; everything's gonna be okay. You have to take it slow, uh?"

"Hug, I'm always a wreck when he's not around. What will I do? What am I gonna do without him, uh? It dawned on me today. I realized that the day he might be gone, is nearer and nearer. And there isn't going to be any sweet revenge for me this time. I'm gonna lose him. I can get down to my knees; I can beg for mercy, but nothing... This time, life's gonna push me way past the point of breaking, and I'll break. I'm already broken, and so is he. I know. We can't take this anymore. That's why I'm so scared and sad and afraid that he's gonna stop".

"Hutch, we must focus on the fact that we're not gonna lose him, that it won't happen. If Starsky has to go, we're unable to avoid it, but we'll deal with his absence when that happens not now that he's still here with us. In the meantime we have him, we help him, and we love him. That's all we can do. So you should be okay and delight yourself in his presence and don't waste your time in what ifs. That's all we can do for now."

When Huggy left, Hutch didn't feel better.

He felt the same pain that he knew was far from being over.

"You can't leave me Starsk; I haven't seen the last of you yet."

_To be continued..._


End file.
